Leadership Introspection: Unlocking Growth Through Uncomfortable Questions.

What do you associate with growth?

Is it attaining more certifications, a higher position in your company, or achieving certain significant goals?

The problem with this view of growth is that we wait for the big things to happen to feel like we're growing. Most of the time, we have no control over the timing.

The truth is that we have the opportunity to grow through the everyday conversations and situations that life presents. Often, it is the people who trigger us the most who provide the greatest opportunity for growth; the problem is that we are in judgment or blame, and we tend to remove ourselves from the situation.

As a coach, my currency is questions. Here are some uncomfortable questions that may reveal more about the situation than you previously realised, as well as the hidden opportunities for growth.

When you can see the gift in these triggering situations, you can provide more opportunities to integrate the lessons.

Where did I contribute?

One of my clients was furious when a team member dropped the ball and never delivered an important piece of work, meaning they had to pick up the slack and work two all-nighters to get it done.

When we met, she was full of rage and couldn't wait to let this person have it. I then dropped the C-bomb – where did you contribute? This was followed by, knowing what you know now, how would you have navigated the situation differently?

At first, she was very defensive, but when we unpacked the situation, she realised two key things:

· She wasn't explicit about the instructions and what exactly needed to be done. She assumed this person knew what to do.

· She didn't check in with this person throughout the process to see if they needed any support or guidance or even to review the progress. Once again, she assumed that everything was on track.

Does it excuse her employee? Absolutely not.

The point of this question is to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself. As we advance, my client always creates new agreements on precisely what needs to happen and whether there is a specific format or template.

She also schedules regular reviews, not to micro-manage but not to allow such an important piece of work to go unseen in the event it needs changes or amendments.

Often, the power of this question reveals the assumptions we make that can contribute to the situation escalating into an unfavourable place. It's a safety mechanism to ensure we replace assumptions with communication.

What can I learn from this person?

There is no greater mirror to reveal your blindspots than when someone triggers a reaction in you. I find this very humbling and use it as an opportunity to learn more about myself, even if it's really uncomfortable.

Let's say you're in a meeting, and you feel yourself getting annoyed with someone because you feel they are being a know-it-all-all and arrogant. Instead of defaulting to defensiveness or checking out, get curious. Ask yourself:

What can I learn from this person? You cannot learn from someone if you are judging them. Maybe you're learning how not to conduct yourself. There is a part two to this question:

How am I like that?

This one is a much tougher ask. If you're annoyed they are a know-it-all, you need to point the finger at yourself and ask, 'Where in the past have I been a know-it-all?'.

Let's make it less personal. If you're annoyed with someone because they forgot to do something, rather than judge them, ask yourself, now, when did I also forget to do something? You'll find pretty quickly that you were actually guilty of it, and it takes you off your pedestal.

The point of these questions is to interrupt the default habit of judgment because you cannot influence someone if you are judging them.

What do I admire in others?

Asking yourself what you admire in other people is a great opportunity for growth because this often reveals a part of yourself you have disowned or disconnected from.

Maybe you admire someone for their confidence and ability to be so natural when presenting. Now, ask yourself, how can you tap into that resource of confidence in yourself? Perhaps you are placing too much pressure on yourself to present to a formal audience and, feel it should be done in a certain way, and are trying too hard to come across as perfect.

Remember you admired that other person because they were more relaxed and conversational – this is most likely your natural speaking style.

If you find yourself admiring creative people, ask yourself how you can begin to tap into your creative side. Maybe it's not art or writing creativity but being able to express yourself authentically. What's your unique message or gift you can share with the world?

What do I want?

This question probably sounds like a cliché, but it's crucial. There is a difference between what you genuinely want and what you have been trained to think you want.

I have a colleague in the same industry who jet-sets around the world, speaking and training global audiences. I used to think that would be the dream, but if I'm honest, that's not what I want now. I have two young children, and the thought of being on planes and living in hotels would make me miserable.

Some people would do anything to step into the role of CEO, and some people would do anything to avoid that level of stress and responsibility. There is no right or wrong answer.

Be real with yourself about what is going to make you happy now, with an openness that your needs will shift again as your circumstances and values evolve.

The more you know what will create joy, the more you know where to look and what to say no to.

Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

We tend to associate growth with taking action. What if pausing and slowing down were equally valuable forms of growth?

How many times have you said something you are still regretting? Deepak Chopra suggests we ask ourselves these questions before responding to someone, especially when this person has triggered us: Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

More often than not, it's true. But is it kind to tell them, and is it necessary?

Inserting a mental pause button to ask yourself this question before responding is a huge achievement of growth.

Going a level deeper.

These last three questions come from Jerry Colonna's book Reboot. They are much bolder and allow you to move into what he calls radical self-inquiry.

·         What am I not saying that needs to be said?

·         What am I saying (in words or deeds) that's not being heard?

· What's being said that I'm not hearing?

Spend some time journaling or contemplating these questions; they are not comfortable but will always reveal another layer of growth.

Final thoughts.

My hope is that you can transform your everyday situations and annoyances into a new avenue for growth. What if the people who trigger you the most are here for your growth? And this is especially true of your children. There is often one who is more like you and one who is not at all.

How can these little people be your greatest teachers? And if you don't have kids, how can the colleague at the office be there to hold up a mirror? Of course, you can still get triggered, but can you have a new sense of appreciation for them and the situations that challenge you?

Here are the uncomfortable questions that can reveal discoveries:

·Where did I contribute?

·What can I learn from this person?

·How am I like this person?

·What do I admire in others?

·What do I want?

·Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

·What am I not saying that needs to be said?

·What am I saying (in words or deeds) that's not being heard?

·What's being said that I'm not hearing?

Here's to embracing growth in all forms,

Warm wishes,

Lori