3 Habits of Highly Anxious People.
Anxiety is an emotion, not a character flaw. It's a built-in early warning system to alert you that you are focusing too much on trying to control your external world or you are too future-focused.
Anxious people tend to live in the mode of doing rather than being. There is a need for constant busyness because they want a return on every moment. Thinking, more specifically over thinking, becomes a form of doing when facing a situation that cannot be controlled. Over-thinking provides a false sense of action and gives you perceived power over the situation.
Like an iPad with every app open, this pattern will eventually drain your internal battery, and that is why you feel in a constant brain fog and fatigued. If you identify with the following habits, you may need to pay closer attention to where you place your focus:
Worrying/Ruminating.
Worrying is the habit of rehearsing things going wrong in advance. Most people worry about things they have zero control over but feel that if they dedicate time to thinking about the problem, they are doing something about it. Sometimes worrying can take other forms like checking into news feeds obsessively throughout the day or running the same thought cycle on repeat.
If you are a worrier, consider it may be a pseudo form of procrastination. You do not have to act if you are caught up in thinking long enough. If you don't act, then there is no risk of failure. Has worrying become an indirect way to prevent judgement from others?
In the Perfectionism Workshop by Taylor Newendorp, she provides some key questions to help identify the habit of worrying:
"When you are lost in rumination, there are common themes and questions that you repeat mentally. The more self-awareness you can bring to the questions you focus on, the easier you can begin to break the habit of worrying:
• Do you repeatedly dwell on specific instances in your life? (The last time I tried this, I failed.)
• Do you ask yourself particular questions over and over again? (Why does this always happen to me?)
• Do you overly focus on specific aspects of yourself—personality traits, moods, physical states, even physiological sensations—in a negative way? (I'm so bad at public speaking and shy).
When you catch yourself ruminating, tell yourself, I'm ruminating right now. Then answer these questions:
• Is this thought process helping me accomplish anything right now?
• Is this process helping me problem-solve or plan effectively?
• Is there anything I can do about this problem right now? If you answered yes, then do it!
• If you answered no, shift from rumination to a self-care activity like reading, meditating, exercise or listening to music."
Emotion is created by motion. If you cannot change the situation, you can at least change your state to face the situation calmly rather than being stressed and overwhelmed.
Rather than rehearse things going wrong, what if you adopted the attitude of the 13th-century poet Rumi:
“Live life as though everything is rigged in your favour”.
With this approach, it is a feeling that the universe has your back rather than pre-empting everything that could go wrong.
Sure it sounds idealistic but expect the best, and if life doesn't go according to plan, then decide what to do about it. Anticipating the worst-case scenario and bringing it into the present before it's occurred is just a waste of your energy.
As Seneca says, "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality".
Excessive Planning.
Planning has its place, but planning without action is the breeding ground for anxiety.
Planning gives us a sense of progress because we are doing something about the situation. Creating your sales pipeline spreadsheet will provide a sense of security and motion. If you linger on the planning part too long without making a phone call, you will fall into anxiety even though it's not conscious.
Anxious people tend to take planning to another level and obsess about the plan. They go through it over and over in their minds thinking about every possibility. Now, this is necessary, and I am all for planning and being meticulous over details.
But, there is a giant, but…do not get lost in the plan and caught up in analysis paralysis. Break down your plan into bite-sized steps called micro wins, and schedule when and where you will do this.
Planning can also take the form of visualisation, where you imagine a desired future goal you would like to manifest.
I fall into this mental trap occasionally where I will spend time visualising my desired future goals, but in the process, I move from a 'love' based intention to one that is fear-based. I can obsess about what the picture should look like or get anxious when I don't know what I want the picture to look like.
I am no longer visualising with flow but force from a fear state. You have to teach the thing you most need to learn. When I have no visibility further than six months on what I will be doing, I move into visualising because it gives me a false sense of security and action. After all, if I'm thinking about it, then at least I'm doing something about it.
This is the worst kind of visualisation because it becomes an exercise in control, not flow. I have learnt that I need to think about what I would love to achieve but then let go of the outcome.
When I let go of trying to control the outcome, I am open to many possibilities of how this could show up. Having one defined picture of what it 'should be' closes me off from any possibilities that don't match my picture.
If you resonate, remember to have your dream and know what you want but be open to what it could look like and make sure you are doing something every day to take action towards it.
Have the vision board, get excited about it but don't get stuck inside it without doing one thing every day to progress towards it.
Perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a habit that not only catapults your anxiety to new levels but takes the joy away from everything you do.
It is also procrastination in disguise because it justifies not taking action or, if you take action, never completing a project or task for fear of error.
In the words of Sheryl Sandberg, Done is better than perfect! Behind every perfectionist is the fear that I'm not enough.
The difference between a high performer and a perfectionist is focus. A high performer will view mistakes as learning and feedback. It is a way to improve and incorporate the lesson as growth for future situations.
A perfectionist has such impossibly high standards and fears judgement so severely that they would rather not complete something than risk ridicule. The truth is that the judgement is self-inflicted and a form of self-sabotage.
Taylor Newendorp provides the differences between a perfectionist's standards and a high achiever.
If you fall into the perfectionism trap, how about starting your day with this crucial question:
How can I show up to my authentic self rather than my perfect self?
Do things your way, trust your judgement and focus on the unique spin you can bring to the task. Don't worry about what it 'should' look like but trust yourself.
You cannot bring your whole self to work if you focus on who you should be for everyone rather than celebrating the fantastic person you are.
The antidote to anxiety.
How do you move past the habits of worrying, planning and perfectionism?
The antidote is a combination of action and letting go.
You're probably wondering what that even means!
Suppose you worry about a situation, over plan obsessively and redo a task numerous times. In that case, you are trying to force an outcome and control the external circumstances even if you have zero control over them.
Rather than drain your mental battery, how can you default to taking action?
Let's say you need to have a difficult conversation with someone. You now imagine the worst-case scenario of what could go wrong and how this person will react. But then you bring it into the present moment and start living it as if it happened.
Maybe the only possible action you can take is to think about the desired outcome of the conversation and set your intention to approach it from a place of kindness and respect. You could even go so far as to think about the words you want to use. But more than that, let go of the outcome.
You have no idea how they will receive your message or respond, so stop worrying about it.
You may have the perfect plan for an event you are running but be open to the possibility of things not going according to plan, and instead of controlling, have faith in yourself that you always make a plan and can figure things out. That's what confidence is – the ability to believe in yourself.
Be practical, anticipate potential barriers, and have a contingency in place so you can stop obsessing about the 'what if' scenarios. Preparation can be a huge source of confidence.
If you're anxious about a presentation you need to give, then engage in deliberate practice. Say it to yourself in the car to work every day so that you're ready and confident by the time you get to the presentation. Nerves are perfectly normal but make sure the butterflies fly in formation.
You cannot control what life presents to you, but you can control your response to a situation; that is where your power and strength lie. Let go of worrying about the unknown, and instead of rehearsing failure, how about planning for success?
There is more to learn in taking action that standing still. What is the cost of inaction if you continue to let perfectionism rule your life? Making mistakes and gaining life experience and wisdom is far more powerful than fearing judgement. The only person who is judging you is yourself.
In the beautiful words of Rumi:
"When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety; if I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this, I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it." – Rumi
Final thoughts.
Self-awareness is the meta-habit of change and personal growth. The more awareness you can bring to these mental habits, the sooner you can begin to change them.
When you experience anxiety, your body's inner wisdom gives you a heads up that your focus is on control or living in the future.
Rather than get anxious about being anxious, invite your anxiety to sit down and have a cup of tea with you. Get curious about why it has shown up and explore it with compassion, not judgement. Please don't push it down and pretend it isn't there.
Welcome it and name it. 'Oh, I'm anxious; I wonder why….'
Either you can take action on the situation or let go of trying to control the circumstances.
If you cant do either, then at least do something nice for yourself and adopt the attitude of a kind mind. In that scenario, you get to trigger a better state, and you can face the situation with grace no matter the external circumstances.
Here's to owning your anxiety,
Warm wishes,
Lori