How to Silence the Inner Critic and Get out of Your Own Way.

The inner critic is real. It's the voice in your head that commentates throughout your entire day.

When you wake up, do you hear the voice of gratitude and contentment or criticism and complaining?

As a results coach, I have seen in my clients that this inner critic is one of the main drivers of people's inability to follow through on goals or self-sabotage. Having an inner critic can become part of someone's identity with a story to go with it.

My clients often tell me, 'It's just part of me; I've always had this pattern; I always criticise and doubt myself'. It's as if their inner critic has become a security blanket for them, a friend they keep around who doesn't pay rent and eats all their food.

We almost become attached to this identity because it keeps us playing small, or we feel we should hang onto it; otherwise, we might become complacent or mediocre.

Who would you be without your inner critic?

Are you holding onto it out of habit, or have you ever considered what purpose it serves? It's that inner conflict between the fear of success and the fear of failure.

The first step to taking control of your inner critic is the self-awareness to know it's there. Even more than hearing the voice, it's the understanding that you can control it and have the choice to either tune into it or shut it down.

Have you ever been driving with the radio on and realised there is a song you hate, but you were on autopilot and never realised it until it nearly ended? You can turn down the volume or, even better, switch stations or put on a podcast.

Here are some tools you can use to change stations and tune into your inner coach:

Ask powerful questions.

I am a collector of questions because this is the quickest way to change your focus. Rather than ask why do I self-sabotage, you can ask 'what is this here to teach me? or why am I still holding onto this habit?'. A better question will open up possibilities for a better answer.

Likewise, you can insert two powerful questions to shift your focus when the critic shows up.

What do I need to remember?

When a challenge shows up, or someone criticises you, ask yourself what you need to remember at that moment.

You can remember your wins over the last few years and focus on a powerful memory of where you felt your best.

You can remember the amazing people in your life who support you or the contribution you get to make through your work.

You can remember you are in control of this inner critic, and you have the choice to tune into a better station.

You can remember that challenge is part of the journey, that growth happens in times of discomfort, and to embrace the situation without judgement. Life happens for you, not to you.

What do I need to forget?

In times of challenge or setback, the inner critic shows up to remind you of previous stumbles and failures.

In these moments, you need to forget you are not that person anymore and have grown from your past experiences.

You need to forget about anyone who told you that you couldn't do it, like an old boss, lecturer or friend.

You need to forget that a situation is permanent. Instead, remind yourself that everything has its season and that change is inevitable.

Engage in Deliberate practice.

Self-doubt and imposter syndrome creep up when you try something new or transition between roles. Let's say you have started a new job or need to present to your team or EXCO, and your headspace is not the best neighbourhood to visit.

When this self-talk arises, 'you'll make a fool of yourself, or everyone will judge you', replace this doubt with action. Self-doubt is not a directive that you should give up; it's a normal consequence of stretching yourself. Once you show yourself you can do it, the self-doubt naturally settles down.

Using the presentation example, to silence your critic, engage in deliberate practice. This means blocking out an hour to practice your talk so you can gauge your timing and your stumbles if you know your content and how to improve.

If you stay stuck in your head thinking about the talk, you will paralyse yourself with fear.

If you have taken on a new role, focus on what you can control. You can listen to podcasts or audiobooks while driving or exercising to empower yourself with knowledge and tools.

Exposure and action are the antidotes to anxiety and silencing your inner critic with evidence.

Choose to come up the ladder.

Author David Hawkins created this scale of consciousness; I have borrowed the name from speaker Jason Goldberg and labelled it The Ladder of Leadership.

Imagine having this ladder inside you and bouncing up and down all day.

You can see that the emotions at the bottom of the ladder are disempowering, like anger, grief and fear. You cannot see the possibilities in this state, and your inner critic is at its loudest.

At the top of the ladder are higher-level emotions like courage, love and joy. This is our natural state and where we will be the best version of ourselves.

The reason you go up and down is whether or not you believe a thought. It is our thinking that creates patterns of emotions and behaviours. If you believe the thought that 'I'm not enough and I'll never get there', you will plummet down the ladder into despair.

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, but you can choose how long you want to stay down the ladder before moving back to a more empowering state. How can you make your best decisions if you stay angry for a week? In these lower states, you are more prone to give into the inner critic and begin to believe its vicious accusations.

How do you get up the ladder? Tune out of the radio station of the critic and tune into your inner coach or cheerleader. You can use gratitude to catapult you up the ladder by focusing on what you have rather than what is lacking.

You can use your body to shift your state; if you are feeling down, you can change your state by going for a run or listening to your favourite music. Emotion is created by emotion – even if you don't feel like going for a run, do it. Your body naturally creates powerful chemicals like endorphins, pushing you up the ladder before you know it.

Spend this week taking note of where you naturally gravitate to on the ladder. When you find yourself angry, irritable or sad, it's time to put your thinking under investigation. I would highly recommend Byron Katie's work on this.

Cultivate unconditional friendliness towards yourself.

It doesn't make sense logically but letting go of the inner critic can feel indulgent to some people. It's as if they feel they deserve to speak to themselves so poorly and should tolerate it.

In Buddhism, there is a beautiful concept called Maitri which means cultivating unconditional friendliness towards yourself. The phrase 'do you speak to yourself the same way you do your friends?' has become a cliché for a reason.

Do we speak to ourselves the same way? No.

When you adopt this attitude of friendliness, you can put your self-talk under a microscope and replace criticism with kindness.

Rather than belittling self-talk, how about adopting a learning mindset? Instead of telling yourself you're an idiot for losing your temper, replace judgement with curiosity.

What did I learn from the experience? What would I do differently next time? How can I make sure this doesn't happen again?

Final thoughts.

Mastering your self-talk is not an impossible goal; it starts with the willingness to drop the story that you have to speak to yourself badly to motivate yourself.

Put this habit under investigation – are you keeping this self-talk because you'll be lost without it? Is it an old story you've kept around to keep you safe because if you don't try, you can't fail?

If you aren't ready to give up your inner critic just yet, can you begin by turning down the volume? Imagine you have a tuner, and you can turn it down so you can barely hear it, and it becomes a faint whisper.

The more you focus on the voice, the louder it becomes. It's like a toddler having a tantrum. The best way to diffuse a screaming child is to ignore it. The more you pay attention and pander to the mood, the more you reinforce the behaviour, and it continues because you reward it.

Stop giving it airtime, and you will find it naturally dissipates.

Once you have mastered this, you can begin to take control and choose to speak kindly and more encouraging words to yourself.

Initially, you may feel a little strange, but you will change your life when this becomes a habit.

You can't evict the inner critic, but you can silence it and learn to manage it. Sure, it will pop up and win from time to time, but growth is being able to hear it sooner and replace it with kindness so you can get out of your own way.

Here's to unconditional friendliness,

Warm wishes,

Lori