Six Steps to Close the Gap Between Where You Are and Where You Want to Be.

As we round the corner of 2023, consider what unmet goals are gnawing at the back of your mind that are taking up precious headspace.

Rather than beat yourself up for not taking action, ask yourself, 'When would now be a good time?'.

Here are six tools you can incorporate into your toolkit to ensure you end the year on a high and move into 2024 armed and ready to continue your progress.

Identify your inner conflict.

One of my clients is passionate about fashion design but wouldn't allow herself to spend time on it because it wasn't related to her 'real' work of being a lawyer, despite how much satisfaction and joy it brought her.

Herein is the biggest barrier to her goal; there is an inner conflict that says, 'I love fashion design, but I am a lawyer. How does a creative fashionista co-exist with a serious lawyer? It felt like she wasn't being professional by allowing herself time for her craft even though she loved it.

If you dig deeper, do you have an inner conflict about your desired goal? Do you feel it conflicts with who you are supposed to be?

To progress on your goal, it's time to drop the story of who you think you should be and step into your essence by allowing yourself to make space for what matters most.

Engage in deliberate practice.

To create momentum, you must engage in deliberate practice. Your biggest challenge is carving out time in your calendar to spend on this goal, whether riding, paddle ball, music, art, writing, gardening, or fill-in-the-blank.

To help you through this initial period, embrace being a beginner and replace perfection with progress.

To improve, you must be willing to feel uncomfortable while you close the competence gap. It may sound counterintuitive, but you must also be willing to make this part of your identity.

In my client's case, she had to be comfortable saying I am also a fashion designer. It's not simply blocking out time for a run or one meditation session; it's stating to yourself and others that I am a runner or a meditator.

Now, every time you go for a run and do one mindful breath, you have more evidence that you are this person.

How do you close the gap between making this your identity and engaging in deliberate practice? Value time spent on future you.

To become the writer, fashion designer, meditator or runner you aspire to be, you need to be comfortable spending time on it in the present. In the words of Leadership expert Peter Bregman,

"Here's the key: You need to spend time on the future even when there are more important things to do in the present and even when there is no immediately apparent return to your efforts. In other words – and this is the hard part – if you want to be productive, you must spend time doing things that feel ridiculously unproductive."

Choose your words.

The conversations you have with yourself are the most important ones you will ever have. What is your self-talk like? How do you narrate your day? Do you tune into the voice of the inner critic or your inner coach?

If you tell yourself you're an imposter, a fraud, wasting time and are not enough, how do you expect to make any progress on your goal?

Instead, can you adopt a kinder, compassionate and learning mindset? That means when you make a mistake, you don't beat yourself up but tell yourself, 'OK, how did I contribute here? What have I learned, and knowing what I know now, how would I do this differently?'

This will move you through the setbacks and challenges with grace rather than shame and anxiety.

If you do something well, compliment yourself and celebrate your win, no matter how small. This is how you begin to internalise this goal into your identity. Consider the wise words of psychologist Marisa Peer:

"Belief without talent can take you further than talent without belief. But when you have both, you're unstoppable." 

Exposure is the antidote to anxiety.

Seneca says we suffer more in imagination than reality, and he is a thousand per cent correct. My son and I used to do mountain biking, and then our bikes hung on the garage wall for about nine months.

He suggested we return to the bike park this weekend and start again. Honestly, I was terrified to get back on. Logically, I knew I was being silly, but I was focusing on the mission of packing the car, driving far and, of course, the fear of falling off.

I couldn't let him down, so I had to abandon my story and off we went. I can tell you that I was completely anxious for the first five minutes, forgetting where the gears were and what to do with them, but after that, we had the most wonderful afternoon together.

If you are imagining a worst-case scenario or a painful process to get going, my advice is to forget how you feel and do it anyway. Once you're in it and doing the action in question, you will forget all your stories and be reminded how much joy you gain.

It's easy to imagine what could go wrong, but it's more rewarding to put yourself out of your comfort zone and experience what can go right.

Do it your way.

One of my clients aspires to become a thought leader in his field but has to do the hard part of putting his work into the world. It's not that he doesn't have talent; he is a remarkable writer but needs to confront his fear of being seen.

Writing is personal, and fearing judgment is natural, but it's also your ticket to play.

It's tempting to copy other people's styles or what they write about because it's safe, but he will not feel fulfilled. Whether you want to write, move into leadership or even start something of your own, to feel fulfilled, you must do it your way and trust yourself.

Another client came to me because she got anxious when she needed to present to clients. It was not an ability issue but the fear of placing herself in someone else's mould. She thought she must copy her boss's style, but this is not her authentic style.

You will always create pain for yourself whenever you try to be something or someone you are not.

When she trusted herself to do it her way, she began to thrive in the role and never had an issue to present again. Sure, she got nervous, but those healthy nerves show she cares. The difference is that she was no longer paralysed with fear and trying to conform to something she is not.

Play.

Play is about the energy you bring to the task. If you show up to your goal, trying too hard to be perfect and fearing failure constantly, you will contract and feel a tightening.

Play is about enjoying what you're doing and approaching the task with lightness and enthusiasm without attachment to the outcome. So long as you create progress, you are on track.

How can your goal feel like play? How can you approach it as something to enjoy rather than fear? What can you add to the practice or time spent on it to make it more enjoyable? For some people, it's working in a busy coffee shop; for others, it's music.

Consider location, time of day or who you do it with. Do you need to invite someone into the goal to create accountability?

Final thoughts.

To progress on your goal, arm yourself with the necessary tools. You may not need them all at once, but on the days you feel stuck or have no motivation to try, pull out the tool that will catapult you back into action:

·         Identify your inner conflict.

·         Engage in deliberate practice.

·         Choose your words.

·         Exposure is the antidote to uncertainty.

·         Do it your way.

·         Play.

Above all – the best tool in your arsenal is to stop showing up as your perfect self and instead show up as your authentic self.

Here's to becoming you,

Warm wishes

Lori