The End of Self-Cancellation: Scheduling Yourself Without Guilt.
In workshops and coaching sessions with over one hundred women last week, I discovered a striking common thread: the pervasive belief that "I don't have time for myself." This isn't just a fleeting thought—it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that shapes their entire relationship with time. When we meticulously mapped out their typical days, the revelation was stark: they had effectively erased themselves from their own calendars.
One participant had a breakthrough moment that crystallised the problem. She realised that while work commitments, family obligations, and urgent matters all commanded dedicated colours in her calendar system, she had never assigned a colour to herself. The absence spoke volumes—she had visually coded herself as less important than everything else in her life.
Her solution was elegantly simple yet profound: create her own colour category with equal visual weight to all other priorities. This small act of self-inclusion represented a fundamental shift in thinking: that her time wasn't something to be earned after everything else was handled, but rather a non-negotiable element deserving its rightful place alongside other commitments.
Finding Your Place in Your Calendar.
The following strategies will help you reclaim your place in your calendar—not as an afterthought or luxury but as an essential priority that requires neither justification nor apology.
Identify Your 'Oxygen Mask' Activities.
We know the cliché – if you're in an emergency on an aeroplane and the oxygen mask drops down, put it on yourself first before helping others.
The same applies here—what are the oxygen mask equivalent activities that you must attend to first so you are better equipped to help others, including your family, your team, and, of course, yourself?
For me, this is meditation, yoga, journaling and exercise. I don't get all of them done in a day, but I make sure I create pockets of time, even if it's ten minutes. When I don't exercise, I am definitely a grumpier version of myself, and when I don't get to journal, even if it's once a week, I am a more anxious version of myself – both of which don't serve me, my family or my clients.
Start by defining what you'd like to include in your week and the one non-negotiable that you'll need to show up for daily. Is it prayer, reading, gardening, padel or drawing? Again, it's not about needing an hour but a minimum of fifteen minutes because consistency compounds. It's also small enough to alleviate any guilt or misconception about not having time.
How to find those fifteen minutes: Stop scrolling and checking email between every activity, and you'll be amazed at how these hidden minutes accumulate.
To be clear, blocking out time for yourself is not only limited to your self-care and well-being activities but also your work. The best habit you can cultivate is to time block slots in the workday that are dedicated to your tasks, whether that's working on your presentation or making time to plan the week ahead.
I think scheduling is one thing, but viewing this slot with equal importance to everyone else who gets a space on the calendar is very important to you following through on keeping this meeting with yourself.
Protecting Your Time—From Others and Yourself.
Now that you know what you want and you're scheduled on the calendar, how do you realistically protect this time?
Most people block out time for their tasks, but the execution falls flat because they give it away to someone who just happened to ask for it. At the moment they ask if you're available, you go into a mini panic, and before you realise it, you're giving away your yes and saying no to yourself…again.
You justify it to yourself by working late…again, and then you wonder why you are so exhausted and resentful.
Protecting your time starts with saying to the person, "I'm just on deadline, and I'll be done with my stuff in an hour. Can we connect then?" Or ask them, "When do you need this for?" If it is genuinely urgent, then make a call to discuss when you can assist, but you'll find that not everything is urgent or requires you to drop what you're doing.
You could start with a simple buffer phrase: "Let me check my calendar, and I'll get back to you."
If you're honest with yourself, the fear of not being liked or disappointing the other person trumps your work any day. This is the case for most people, so you are not alone.
When you can manage their expectations without giving away your precious time slot, you will start to associate protecting your time with pleasure and not pain. It is not an either/or scenario - you can get your work done in working hours and be a support.
Now, here's the crucial part about your oxygen mask activity—you need to protect this time, and the main culprit is often yourself. If you scheduled a walk at 6:30 AM, no one else is there to take it away from you except one person: you.
In our workshop, one participant admitted she would wake up early for exercise, check her phone, see emails, and immediately abandon her plans. If this sounds familiar—and you can't resist checking your phone—then go ahead and look. But interrupt your default pattern of ditching yourself by saying, "I'll address this when work starts at 8:30; it doesn't require my attention now."
Remember, no one expects a response before the workday begins—there's nothing to feel guilty about. Have you considered that an email sent late at night is just that? The sender was simply catching up on their tasks; it didn't signal a need for immediate action.
Ask yourself: Why don't you feel guilty when you remove yourself from your own calendar?
When you keep your promises to yourself, you build confidence and self-trust. When you break the agreement and put others ahead of you, you reaffirm the story that you don't have time, and others are more important than you.
Making It Real: From Intention to Action.
We know the phrase prevention is better than cure, and this applies here, too. Think ahead to the moment that requires you to do the unthinkable—keeping the promise to yourself. So, if you've scheduled time to walk or go to the gym, think ahead to what could prevent this from happening.
Prevention Strategies for Success:
Limit technology interference: Do not check your phone to prevent anything from going off schedule. If you do, tell yourself you'll see these people later and will deal with whatever you need to then.
Prepare the night before: Don't hit the snooze button—the only reason you may opt for this is not having a clear idea of what you want to do. Commit the night before and then set yourself up for success by putting out any exercise clothes, prepping any shakes, and getting the journal or book ready. Use your evening routine to set you up for success.
Recognise your inner critic: The most important prevention strategy is to be vigilant to the voice of your inner critic. If you want to go to the gym, it may tell you you're being selfish, it's cold, it's early, and you should just stay in bed.
Or it may be the inner rebel piping up and saying, "I'm not doing the meditation, and no one can make me!" It's like your inner two-year-old masquerading as a choice.
The best prevention is to know the voice in your head that is trying to keep you 'safe' and from making progress, and then it rewards you for making the 'right' decision.
Once you know your inner critic and inner rebel, you can discern between what you truly want and what 'it' thinks you need. There is a difference.
Then focus on the process of right action and turn down the volume of the critic telling you to stay warm and in your bed.
Expect discomfort.
Another important aspect of prevention is to expect major discomfort initially. If you're not used to putting yourself on the calendar and allowing yourself to meet your own needs, you will feel like you are doing something wrong and should be focusing on other people.
No, you should not.
It's interrupting a pattern of self-forgetting and reinstating a new pattern of self-remembering and kindness. Even though it's the best thing for you, you may interpret this as guilt, or you shouldn't be doing it.
Ignore it – turn down the volume of the inner critic and focus on the right action.
The more you show up to yourself, the more you realise how this is truly the oxygen you need to energise you and bring you back to your best self.
Eventually, you will ask yourself how you ignored yourself for so long.
Consider the cost: The last prevention hack is to ask yourself: If I continue on this trajectory of self-forgetting, what will it cost me?
Where will you be three months or three years from now if you continue this self-cancellation strategy?
A deeper challenge arises when we neglect ourselves and our loved ones. I recall speaking with a mother who shared that despite her intentions to spend more time with her young daughter, work demands consistently took precedence—there was always something that needed her attention.
I gently asked her to consider what might happen in the years ahead as her daughter enters adolescence, potentially feeling disconnected from her mother. We explored together how she might begin creating meaningful moments now to nurture their bond, build trust, and develop the foundation for a healthy, connected relationship that would sustain them through more challenging phases of life.
Final Thoughts.
You do have time.
The only person preventing you from creating the day you want is you.
The only person you will continually disappoint is yourself.
If you continue to say no to yourself, the only person who may not like you is you.
Start each day by asking, "How can I be kind to myself today?" and then do that, even if it's for five minutes.
You don't need fancy time management tools; you need to replace the habit of self-forgetting with self-remembering.
Here's to creating better hours, not more hours.
Warm wishes,
Lori