Why Habit Change Isn’t Just About Discipline — It’s About Identity.
Think back to your New Year's resolutions.
Maybe you started strong—exercising, eating better, waking up early. But a few weeks in, it fizzled. Sound familiar?
Why does this happen?
One reason is impatience. You put in the effort, but the results don’t come fast enough. So you give up and think, “This just doesn’t work for me.” What’s really happening is you’re not trusting the process. You forget that lasting change happens through small, consistent wins. There's always a gap between effort and visible reward.
The solution? Consistency.
Schedule yourself guilt-free into your calendar. Show up for yourself by keeping the promise you made. Turn down the inner critic whispering, “You should be further along by now.”
Instead, tell yourself: “I’m on the way.” “It’s on the way.” “This is my time."
Sounds simple enough, right? But it’s not.
Change is not behaviour-driven; it is identity-driven.
The real mistake we make is starting with behaviour. We try to change what we do before changing how we see ourselves. But real, lasting change starts with identity.
Identity is the lever. It’s what kicks in when you want to give up, hit snooze, or numb out with distractions.
Identity begins with two words: “I am…”
If your identity is “I’m a people pleaser,” you’ve likely built your sense of self around being helpful, always available, and always saying yes. You may feel needed and valued, but inside, you’re drained. Your own goals are sidelined, not occasionally, but as a pattern.
This isn’t about being unhelpful. It’s about recognising when your helpfulness is tied to your worth. So when you try to reclaim your time—to meditate, to rest, to move your body—you feel guilty.
The deeper fear? If you stop being the “go-to” person, what will people think? Will they see you as selfish or arrogant? Will you still be liked? Can you still belong?
The way forward is this: create a new identity.
“I am the kind of person who honours their own time.” “I am someone who sets boundaries and still shows up with care.” “I am vibrant, grounded, and present.”
Of course, you can’t live into that identity if you’re constantly depleted. And yet, you keep pushing, trying to be the always-happy, always-available one.
But what happens when you’re upset? When someone lets you down? When no one checks in on you? If you express that—who are you then?
See how identity shapes everything?
If I were coaching you, and I started with productivity tips or calendar hacks, they might help… temporarily. But without shifting identity and beliefs, they won’t stick.
Often, we hold tightly to old identities. They feel familiar. Safe. But ask yourself:
Is this identity serving me today?
Maybe it helped you survive, belong, or succeed in the past. But to grow into who you’re becoming, you need an identity that aligns with your future, not your past.
I’ve worked with many leaders who struggle to delegate. Why? Because they believe:
“No one will do it as well as I can.”
“If someone else messes up, it’ll reflect badly on me.”
“I need to stay in control.”
So, flip the script. Ask: What kind of leader do I want to become to create the legacy I aspire to?
Maybe it’s:
“I’m the kind of leader people choose to follow.”
“I grow others and help them step into their potential.”
“I focus on high-impact work, not just what's familiar.”
To embody that, you may need to let go of being the smartest, the fastest, or the most indispensable. That can be scary. Because underneath it all, maybe you fear that without that identity, you’ll lose your edge—or worse, feel like an impostor.
But that’s the work.
So instead of asking, What do I want to do differently? Ask, Who do I want to become?
Let go of the version of you who played it safe. Thank them—they got you here. But they won’t get you there.
If you’ve been stuck in old patterns, ask: What story am I telling myself about who I am?
If the story is, “I’m a perfectionist,” you’ll likely delay, tweak, and overprepare—and never finish. But if the story shifts to, “I’m someone who delivers great work people can rely on,” then you’ll know: done is better than perfect.
If you say, “I’m not a leader,” you’ll play small, stay quiet in meetings, and miss opportunities—just to confirm that identity.
So, decide: Who do I want to be?
Then, prove it to yourself with micro wins. Want to be healthy? Choose a better meal today. Go for that walk. Want to be a confident communicator? Speak up once in the next meeting. Each action is evidence of the new you taking shape.
Change isn’t easy—but starting in the wrong place makes it nearly impossible.
Start here:
I am…
To become this person, I would need to believe…
To become this person, I would need to forget…
Now, pick one small action that aligns with your new identity. Do it today. Then again, tomorrow.
Before long, you won’t just be acting like this new version—you’ll be them.
That’s growth. Like Robin Sharma says, it’s scary in the beginning, messy in the middle, and magnificent at the end.
Here’s to real, lasting change.
Warm wishes,
Lori