Why Letting Go Is the Ultimate Habit to Create Change.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” — Aristotle.

This quote has always been a favourite, but it is only accurate if the habit is positive.

What happens if you are stuck in a pattern of behaviour that doesn’t serve you, but you continue to repeat it? What if you are not even aware of it?

It’s become so routine that you haven’t stopped questioning why you do it, if you enjoy it and if it plays a role in moving you towards or away from your goals and highest values.

Going back to Aristotle’s quote, I would argue that excellence is the self-awareness to let go of the habits that no longer serve you. Here are the steps to creating excellence in your life:

Step 1 — Identify the habit.

You cannot change something you are not even aware of.

The starting point is to make a list of all your daily habits. These can be physical and mental habits but let’s start with the easy stuff.

What do you do when you wake up? Is there a specific order and way you like your morning to unfold?

Do you check your first thing or start your day with meditation or prayer?

Are there habits and rituals for when you start work? What do you do when you log into your computer for the day? Do you go straight into emails, browse some articles or act on your key priority? 

Do you default to browsing every news app when you feel overwhelmed by work? Ruminating and worrying are mental habits you may not be aware of. It feels like you are doing something productive because you have dedicated energy to it, but it’s procrastination in disguise. You do not have to act if you are caught up in thinking long enough.

As you go through your week, become aware of the rules you may have around your habits.

For example, do you only do specific activities on certain days or times of the day? Do you reserve certain habits only for weekends?

Write out a list of your rules and question whether they are grounded in rational thinking or something you made up? More importantly, does it make your day better or more challenging?

Maybe your rule is that you cannot engage in recovery activities before 5 PM. Given the research that you should be taking micro-breaks every 50 minutes, this will only destroy your productivity and leave you in an energy deficit.

Perhaps you have told yourself that the only way to unwind is with a glass of wine. This habit is your go-to strategy and has become a safety blanket because what happens if you stop the wine and feel even worse?

Once you have identified the undesirable behaviour, move on to step two.

Step 2 — Place this habit under a microscope.

Despite your best judgement, you know deep down that this habit isn’t serving you if you’re honest. But you keep it around because it meets a need. You wouldn’t do something if it weren’t serving you on some level.

The question to ask is, what’s the real payoff for you? 

In an interview, RuPaul shared that he was notoriously late for every meeting or social engagement. He realised that he was addicted to the payoff of the adrenaline rush and the drama. One day he arrived early and realised the payoff of punctuality meant he was calm and confident and was never late again.

Addictions to overeating or after-dinner snacking provide comfort, or a means to connect with yourself; equally, addictions like binge-watching Netflix serve a need for variety and escapism.

Consider the habit of checking your emails when you wake up in the middle of the night. Instead of taking some deep breaths and relaxing back to sleep, you convince yourself that the only reason you have woken up is that something urgent has come into your inbox.

You reach for your phone and have a huge sigh of relief when you discover everything is fine. The only new updates are some newsletters you subscribed to and have no intention of reading if you’re honest. The payoff is the hit of dopamine you receive when you get the confirmation that everything is fine. Sound familiar?

No one said it has to make logical sense to indulge in these actions, but we do what we can to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Now that you have identified the habit and its payoff, it’s time to let it go.

Step 3 — Let go of the old version of yourself.

This step may require you to go one level deeper. Letting go is more than just releasing a habit but letting go of the old version of yourself that no longer serves you. Perhaps you made up these rules and habits when you were much younger and in a different life stage. These habits served you then, but you find it difficult to accept that they are now hindering your progress.

The challenge is that we want to stay consistent with how we identify ourselves. Perhaps you identified yourself as the life of the party in your younger years, but now that you have a family, your priorities have changed. The hardest part about letting go of old habits is feeling incongruent with who you are.

Author of Atomic Habits, James Clear, says true behaviour change is identity change. Anyone can eat healthily once or twice or go for a walk now and then, but it is difficult to create sustainable change if you don’t change the belief behind the behaviour.

Don’t go for a run but call yourself a runner, meditator, or writer. You may feel like a fraud or inauthentic to yourself to change your identity without having a track record of running. The only way to convince yourself that you are changing is to take action. Every time you write, you create the evidence that you are a writer.

One client held so tightly onto her smoking habit as she identified with the ‘rebel’ part who started smoking. Her belief was that if she quit smoking, she would be selling out and surrendering an integral part of herself despite the sabotaging consequences on her health.

To let go of the old version of yourself, you must consider who you want to become.

You can journal about this and create a powerful version of your future self. Perhaps you want to change careers or take on a role that requires public speaking. To allow yourself to step into that person, you need to drop the habit of avoiding speaking opportunities and instead show up to every opportunity available to you.

It is about being authentic to your future self, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Your present behaviours need to align with the person you are becoming.

Here are some journaling prompts to create a compelling future vision:

·        What needs to be different by this time next year for me to thrive in my work?

·        How would I like to describe myself a year from now?

·        How would I like to describe my home a year from now?

·        How would I like to describe my work-life a year from now?

·        How would I like to describe my finances a year from now?

·        What would I like to have created a year from now?

·        How would I like to describe my headspace a year from now?

·        What are the future experiences I hope to create?

Step 4 — Thank the habit.

Marie Kondo is a Japanese organising consultant and best-selling author. In her de-clutter process, she says we must pick up the article we want to get rid of and ask a simple question. Does it spark joy? If it sparks joy, you keep the item. If it doesn’t speak joy, you thank it for its service and then proceed to get rid of it or donate it.

It’s the same with your habits and this old version of yourself. Does it spark joy? You don’t have to toss yourself out, just a few bits and pieces that don’t belong anymore. Maybe you renovated your lounge to be more modern, and you have some old ornaments that clash now? You don’t have to adjust the lounge to the old ornaments; simply toss out the parts in no longer aligned.

Maybe you decided your old ways of mid-week drinking or sleep deprivation are clashing with your new updated version of valuing vitality and creativity?

Thank those habits and the part of you that served its purpose. But now, it’s time to move on swiftly.

Give yourself permission to change your mind and update your habits to your current values.

Final thoughts.

Letting go of old habits is hard change. It doesn’t happen overnight, and you will fall off the wagon.

Imagine having train tracks embedded into your subconscious when creating new behaviour patterns and habits. They run deep. You can’t remove the old tracks, but you can always lay fresh ones on top.

You are only human and will fall back into old patterns now and then, especially when you feel stressed. It is not a failure to revert to old ways; it is human nature.

What matters is the self-awareness to notice you are back in old patterns and course-correct accordingly. The more self-aware you are about your triggers, the quicker you can recover when going down the old train tracks.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but having the self-awareness to let go of the habits that no longer serve us.” — Aristotle and Lori Milner.

Here’s to letting go.

Warm wishes,

Lori