Why Letting Go of Control is Your Superpower, Not Your Kryptonite.

The fear of losing control is the catalyst for many self-sabotaging behaviours for yourself and those around you. Losing control is your perceived kryptonite because you believe it weakens you and leaves you powerless.

What if letting go of control could be your greatest superpower? What if you could test this theory as an experiment in other areas of your life and prove how it gives you more power, not less? Here are some comfort challenges to make a case for letting go of control while staying firmly in your power.

Identify or be identified.

In his book, Getting to Yes with Yourself, William Ury says we have two choices when managing our emotions. We can either identify it or be identified.

Identifying the emotion means noticing, naming, and inviting it to sit down and hang out with you. When you name the emotion, it loses its power over you.

When you identify with the emotion, it means you have become the anger. You do not have angry feelings but are now so deep into the anger that you lose your temper and react in a way you will most likely regret.

Your first experiment is to let go of wanting to control your emotions. Let's say you're feeling anxious; how about noticing the feeling and calling it out – wow, I have anxious feelings. (Be careful not to use the words that I am anxious).

Then let the feeling be there rather than be anxious about your anxiety. If you try and control it, you elevate the physical reactions and can even go so far as triggering a headache.

Use the emotion as an early warning system alerting you to the fact you're being triggered by something. According to TED speaker Susan David, use emotions as data, not a directive. It's alerting you to something happening in your inner world; it's not an invitation to act on it.

You're allowed to feel angry, sad, frustrated – it's not about trying to negate the feeling, but you can let go of staying in the emotion for longer than necessary; you can choose to let it go and default to gratitude.

Delegate.

Logically you know you should delegate; in reality, you are terrified of losing control because if the person doesn't deliver to your standards, you fear the retribution of judgement.

Instead of focusing on losing control, you can give the person a way to feel in control by being specific with your expectations. Explain how you want something done and the relevant information to be included.

It is essential to give them autonomy in how they do it; don't place a rigid mould around them that they feel trapped but provide a structure to enable creativity so they can bring something unique and special.

Delegation is one part of letting go of control, but for this to succeed, you must make mistakes safe because it's part of the learning journey. In the same conversation as what needs to be done, emphasise that they can approach you anytime to ask questions or bounce ideas.

The more you make it safe to approach you and even to fail, the more control you gain over the success of the project or task. When people do not feel psychologically safe, it creates a pandemic of silence. Even if someone knows there is an error, they will stay quiet for self-protection.

You cannot control anything if you're the last to know about it; creating a culture of psychological safety is your greatest asset. Even if the company doesn't have this, how can you create it with the people you work with?

Let go of the adrenaline rush.

Here's an interesting thought, we are often more addicted to the payoff of the adrenaline rush that we move into habits like procrastination and a culture that rewards fire fighting rather than prevention.

You know you should start sooner and plan, but what happens, in reality, is another story altogether. Can you let go of the adrenaline rush and replace it with planning and proactive doing?

You will always have more control when you are calm and deliberate rather than stressed and reactive.

You think the adrenaline rush helps you stay on your toes and produce better results, but this is a fantasy. The sooner you let go of procrastination and firefighting, the more energy and deliberate focus you bring to the work.

Soften the schedule.

I had a client who was too rigid and over-scheduling herself in her attempt to create more control over her calendar.

It wasn't that there was too much planned in a day; it was that there was little room for flexibility in execution. The intention of her overscheduling was control, but the impact was that she felt claustrophobic with little room to move.

I experienced this with my morning meditation ritual; previously, I believed I was only getting the full benefits if I had a solid twenty-minute practice every morning. My morning commitments changed, making it difficult and unrealistic to achieve this twenty-minute goal consistently.

Rather than force and control the ritual, I let go of the belief that it had to be done a certain way to feel connected. Instead, I build in pockets of mindfulness time throughout my day, which is not scheduled, but when it makes sense for me, like when I'm driving, I'll take a few deep breaths and ground myself.

Have the plan but let go of staying too rigid in its execution and soften your rules about how you can achieve your goals in a gentler way.

Final thoughts.

How do you transition from believing that letting go of control will be a superpower rather than cripple you?

You must let go of the old version of yourself who created this belief.

Interestingly, this belief served you at some point and contributed to your success today.

To get to your next level of success, you need to soften how you look at control because the more you try and control factors in your external environment, the more powerless you become. It becomes a vicious cycle where you cling to control any way you can, leaving you anxious, exhausted and not the best version of yourself.

Can you let go of this older version of yourself; thank them for where they have brought you, but it's time to create a compelling future vision without them because they will only hold you back.

When it comes to your inner world, this is all within your control – your thoughts, beliefs, the choices you make throughout the day, the people you spend time with and what information you expose yourself to.

Choose what you read, listen to and watch because these become your thoughts.

Here's to creating your new superpower,

Warm wishes,

Lori