Why You Really Judge Others and What it Reveals About You.
We all judge other people. We don’t like to admit it, but it’s human nature.
Professional Development author Wayne Dyer says that judging others does not define who they are but rather who you are.
What if judging others also produced a positive benefit? What if it had a different filter that revealed parts of yourself you may have disowned and need to be invited back in?
The starting point is self-awareness and being consciously aware that you impose judgment on the person or the situation. Now that you can see the behaviour let’s put it under a microscope to explore all aspects of what it reveals about us.
Adopt the lens of curiosity.
Ask yourself, ‘What is it about this person or the situation causing resistance or a reaction in me? Try and drill down to be as specific as possible.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” — Carl Jung.
Every negative assumption we make about other people has little to do with them and everything to do with us. Instead of absorbing our judgment, they’re simply revealing aspects about ourselves that we don’t like.
Ask yourself — what trait in that person is bothering me? Why?
What emotion does it evoke in you? Jealousy, fear of failure, resentment?
Perhaps you feel this person is a show-off. Perhaps they have the ear of the boss, and this really bothers you. You then judge this person as arrogant and a suck-up?
If you dig a little deeper, it may reveal some of your insecurities or low self-esteem? He is probably a great guy and earned the boss’s trust for a reason. When you judge others, it is an alarm bell you may be imparting this same habit on yourself. Do you judge yourself according to harsh standards? What is your self-talk like?
Once you become aware of your self-judgement and practice self-compassion and kindness, you will probably find your judging habit is minimised.
The past is never a good predictor of the present.
Another powerful question to ask yourself is, ‘Am I basing this judgment on previous experience?
Did you find yourself in a similar situation in the past that didn’t go well, or the person turned out not to be of integrity or broke your trust? This experience will leave a bitter taste and a heightened awareness to ensure it doesn’t occur again.
When you can see a potential situation arising — stop yourself before you project the worst-case scenario or automatically assume this person is like the one from your past.
Remember, every situation is different because the context is always different. Acknowledge where your fear and judgement is coming from and distinguish between the memory and the current situation.
It is not necessarily the same reality. Do not disregard your previous experience as it has made you aware of potential scenarios but be weary of viewing this person or situation with the same filter.
Replace judgement for curiosity.
When you find yourself judging a person, can you take a step back and take a more empathetic approach? Empathy is thinking to yourself — what is it like to be in this person’s shoes? Is there a reason why they are craving attention or overcompensating?
Alternatively, if someone is not performing or their level of consistency has dropped in their work, stop and question it before judging. Perhaps they are the breadwinner in the family and facing immense pressure right now? Consider that they may be dealing with sick family members, which impacts their performance.
Instead of judging and assuming they are lazy and cannot manage their time, can you reach out and ask, ‘How are YOU?’. Find out what is going on with them on a personal level. Are they sleeping? How is their self-care routine? Do they even have one?
Gather information first, and then make an informed decision for yourself rather than default to judgment.
Give yourself permission to change your mind.
The greatest satisfaction is permitting yourself to change your mind. It doesn’t mean you are a hypocrite; it means you have grown and evolved as a person.
Often you create beliefs at a particular life stage or based on specific circumstances. Until these beliefs are challenged, you never take time to check in with them consciously. If you find yourself judging someone or a situation, check in with your belief system first and challenge yourself if the belief is worth holding onto or if you can let it go and replace it with something that serves you better now?
Remember, you are not the same person today as you were a few years ago. Before I became a parent, I judged parents when I would see their kids screaming and in a full tantrum. The internal narration would be something like, ‘Why can’t they control their kids? Clearly, they don’t set firm boundaries at home’.
Fast forward a few years later, where my four-year-old daughter had a complete meltdown in a shop because they didn’t have her size in the ‘Frozen’ shoes she wanted. I’m talking, monumental screaming on the floor and shouting. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She was being a toddler and doing what toddlers do.
I can tell you that I ate humble pie that day. Whenever I see a child screaming uncontrollably, my heart opens to the parent, and I have so much empathy and understanding.
How can you use judgement to reveal your strengths?
We often only notice the traits we resent in others, but what about shining a spotlight on the traits you admire and respect in others?
Dr John Demartini, the author of The Values Factor, provides a different lens to judgement. Think about someone you deeply admire; it could be someone you know or one of your heroes. What is it about them you admire? It could be certain traits or what they have achieved and the contribution they make in the world.
Demartini invites this as an opportunity to explore that you have these same traits within you. Do you admire successful self-made people, or perhaps they have achieved success despite all odds stacked against them? Do you recognise the same internal strength and resilience within yourself?
An example of someone I deeply admire is J.K Rowling. My kids and I are huge fans of the Harry Potter series. I am consistently blown away by the storyline and how intricately it’s woven through the books.
The details, the story, the planning, the way everything comes together — I am spellbound. I am also in awe of how she has created a new world for children and adults globally, extending from books to an entire section in Disney World. This is from one woman who stood firm on bringing this vision to the world despite being rejected twelve times before her manuscript was accepted.
I realised that I was ignoring my creative side; I never paid much attention to it after leaving school. It was only in my thirties that I began to ignite my passion for writing. I initially had all kinds of self-doubt and didn’t know how to call myself a writer because I never felt validated.
After I shut up my inner critic, I permitted myself to write, and it is my happy place. I don’t need to write intricate novels to feel fulfilled in this passion; consistent writing has made me feel full inside and energise me.
Who is the J.K Rowling equivalent in your life?
Can this be a confirmation of the choices you make or a compass of what you have been ignoring?
Are there parts of yourself you need to invite back in?
Final thoughts.
Judgement is a habit, and the good news is that all habits can be outgrown and replaced. The next time you find yourself launching into negative judgement, catch yourself and replace it with the phrase ‘How curious’.
Instead of figuring out what’s wrong with the other person, turn inwards and be concerned about what is triggering you and what you can learn from them about yourself.
Adopt the lens of empathy and compassion not only for the other person but, more importantly, yourself.
Equally, the next time you find yourself in deep admiration — ask yourself where you can magnify these traits within yourself? How can you replace the habit of merely admiring to the habit of starting?
Here’s to your discoveries,
Warm wishes
Lori