Comfort Isn't Always Kind: How to Unravel Your Default Stress Patterns.
Let's talk about what really happens when stress hits you at work. You know the pattern – scrolling mindlessly through social media, camping out on your couch with endless Netflix series, pushing your bedtime later and later, and finding yourself in the kitchen at midnight, reaching for those snacks you swore you wouldn't touch.
Here's the truth: these aren't random actions. They're your brain's desperate attempt to find certainty and comfort in the face of uncertainty. And while they might offer temporary relief, they're actually making things worse.
Understanding Your Stress Response and Cravings.
That overwhelming urge to reach for comfort food or lose yourself in social media? It's coming from your limbic brain – the part that handles emotional responses and survival instincts. When stress hits, this primitive part of your brain kicks into overdrive.
Though it feels like survival, it's not – it's just your inner rebel throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old, saying, "I know I'm meant to be eating well, but I'm going to get that ice cream from the freezer, or I'm going to watch another episode – you can't stop me! Haha!" When you imagine this scene, it's quite funny because we've all been there, had these imaginary conversations, and always 'won' them.
But if you can't tell whose voice it is, you will always fall into the same pattern. The craving feels unbearable, but remember – it's just a thought. Sit with it for a few minutes. It will pass. The only thing that can ever make you do your habit is acting on the urge.
As psychologist Amy Johnson explains in her book, The Little Book of Big Change, what looks like self-sabotage is actually a misguided attempt at self-love – you're doing the best you can in the moment to feel better, driven by a deep desire for wellness.
Your intention is self-protection and soothing, but the impact is a cycle of self-pity and self-frustration.
Meet Your Inner Critics.
Before we talk about solutions, let's understand who's really running the show in your head. There's a whole conversation happening up there, and the main characters are your inner critic and inner rebel. Your inner critic is that voice telling you to make yourself feel better – go get that tub of ice cream or grab those chips meant for your kid's lunch. It's trying to 'protect' you, but it's using an outdated playbook.
The really sneaky part? Your inner critic actually rewards negative behaviour. It gives you a pat on the back when you grab that junk food right before reality kicks in and you swing into anger with yourself.
Maybe it's not food – maybe it's telling you that taking time for yourself is selfish, or that asking a question in a meeting will rock the boat. The message is always the same: "This will keep you safe." But over time, these choices only lead to self-sabotage.
Your Secret Weapon: The Keystone Habit.
So, how do you break free from this cycle? Enter your secret weapon – the keystone habit. This is the one crucial habit that keeps everything else in line. Think of it like a game of dominoes: when you maintain this one habit, everything else falls into place.
For some, it's exercise – when you show up for your workout, suddenly, your eating, water intake, and sleep all improve. For others, like myself, it's meditation and journaling. When I haven't put pen to paper or sat on the mat for a week, it's not long before self-doubt and anxiety start creeping in.
Engineering Your Environment for Success.
Marshall Goldsmith famously said that if you don't control your environment, your environment will control you. This is where the real work begins.
Want to break a bad habit? Make it hard. Really hard:
- Those sodas calling your name? Get them out of the house.
- Can't stop scrolling? Lock those apps after 8 PM or silence the notifications.
- Better yet, delete them entirely.
Want to start a good habit? Make it ridiculously easy:
- Want to meditate? Leave your mat next to your bed with the app ready.
- Want to read before bed? Leave the book on your pillow.
- Want to get into your music or puzzles again? Get it out of the cupboard and onto a dedicated space in clear view.
Your Non-Negotiable Foundation.
With your environment optimised, it's time to establish your non-negotiables – the foundational habits that remain firm regardless of how you feel or what is happening in your external world:
Bedtime is 10 PM. Period.
Exercise only gets cancelled for illness.
No checking the phone as you wake up.
Reading over scrolling before bed.
Breaking Free Through Awareness.
The key to changing any habit lies in that crucial moment between trigger and action. The next time you're about to watch one more episode, order greasy takeout or scroll for "just five more minutes," stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself: "Is this going to make me happier, or is this action going to take me further away from what I truly want?".
When You Slip (Because You Will).
Let's be real – you're going to fall back into old patterns sometimes. That's not the problem. The problem is when one slip turns into, "Well, I've ruined everything, so I might as well keep going."
Think of habits like railway tracks in your mind. You can't rip up the old tracks to lay down new ones; they go on top, and inevitably, you may veer down an old track from time to time.
It doesn’t mean you've fallen off the wagon. The path of growth is noticing it sooner and course-correcting it quicker. Can you make the next choice immediately a better one rather than five days later?
Your Journey Forward.
Your stress defaults are like old security blankets—they feel safe, but you've outgrown them. It's time to build new patterns that actually protect you, not just pretend to.
Remember: You're not trying to be perfect. You're trying to be conscious, to make choices that serve you, and to stay true to what's actually important to you.
In those moments of the inner critic and inner rebel trying to taunt you, remind yourself they are only thoughts, and you have the power not to listen to them. The more airtime you give the critic, the louder it becomes. The more you ignore the critic, the more you give up and stay quiet until the next time.
As Amy Johnson says:
“Every person’s experience is different, but one thing is the same for us all: if you begin to see your urges as powerless and stop giving in to them, they will begin to change. With no power given to them, there is no neurological energy to maintain them. How, when, and the amount of time that takes is different for everyone.”
Here’s to unravelling those old habits.
Warm wishes,
Lori