Four Questions to Live by Design, Not Default.
As we round the corner of 2023, consider what worked for you this year and what parts would you choose to forget.
It's not about creating a new set of New Year's resolutions but creating clarity for a different 2024.
I am a collector of questions because they guide me in making better, more constructive decisions.
Here are four questions I have borrowed from authors like Benjamin Hardy, James Clear, Beth Kempton and myself to guide you in living 2024 by design and not default.
When you live by design, your days happen for you and not to you. When you live by default, you don't own your days, leaving you feeling out of control, anxious and powerless to change it.
What three priorities of focus are absolutely most crucial and essential for you right now?
You may think naming three priorities is too little, but as Jim Collins, Author of Good to Great, says, 'if you have more than three priorities, you have none'.
The power of choosing three main priorities allows you to answer the question –What is the most valuable use of my time now? When you know what matters, now you can use your calendar to live by design.
Schedule your week before you are in it so you can block out time in advance for you to work on your priorities rather than allowing your week to fill up with other people's urgencies.
How you schedule your day is how you spend your life. As Benjamin Hardy says in Willpower Doesn't Work:
"Your schedule reflects your priorities. Your schedule reflects what you're actually committed to. Most schedules are dominated by urgent battles and lesser goals, such as meetings and Zoom calls.
The easiest way to see what you're committed to is by observing your own behaviour. If you're trying to work on a project, but continually distract yourself with other things, then you're committed to the distractions. The distractions are the greater goal in that moment."
If you're not committed to distraction, are you committed to putting other people's urgencies ahead of your own?
Here are some helper questions linked to your top three priorities to help you stay on track and make 2024 the year to live by design:
How much overlap is there between what you say is important to you and how you spent your attention over the last month?
If someone could only see my actions and not hear my words, what would they say are my priorities?
Look at each item on your to-do list and ask, "Is this truly necessary?"
What needs to be different by this time next year for me to thrive in my work?
The power of this question is that it serves as a compass to what isn't working. If you are thriving in your work, consider what areas are not thriving and what you can do differently:
· Do you need to block out more time for your priorities?
· Do you need to focus on your energy management so you can show up each day energised?
· Do you need to be kinder to yourself to spend time on non-work related things like hobbies, sports or creative outlets?
· Do you need to spend more time with the people you care about rather than putting work ahead of connection?
· Do you need to speak up in meetings rather than stay quiet for fear of sounding silly or rocking the boat?
· Do you need to develop tools to manage your inner critic, anxiety and negative self-talk?
· Do you need to allow yourself to shift from a human doing to a human being? How would tools like meditation or mindfulness serve you?
I am giving you a buffet to choose from; select one area and start with the smallest habit to make the change that will enable you to thrive in all areas of your life.
What is a mistake you seem to repeat each year? What can you do to prevent it this time?
One mistake I made repeatedly but have learnt to conquer is saying no. The reason it's so hard to say no is the desire to be liked and appreciated and not want to disappoint anyone.
I learnt that giving away my yes often cost me time and ended in resentment.
I've learnt I don't always have to be the person to solve a problem. A few weeks ago, I was asked to do a talk on a topic that is not my direct expertise.
Previously, I would have agreed and agonised over it for fear of missing out, but I have learnt that when I agree to things that aren't in my realm, it costs me stress time and, more importantly, directs my focus away from my strengths and gifts.
If it's not saying no, do you tend to neglect your self-care and end up ill and unable to work?
Do you shut yourself off from connection and direct your time around work only?
Do you hold things in that upset you and eventually end up losing your temper at someone over something seemingly small because you weren't honest about how you feel?
Do you constantly expect others to know what you want without expressing your needs? Then you quietly leak anger when they don't respond how you expect them to?
Whatever it is for you – it's time to stop the pattern and live by design. When you know your pattern, you can begin to interrupt it and make a better choice in the moment.
When you get to the place you are aiming for, what will that look like?
How often do you say,' I'm not there yet'? What does that even mean? If it arrived, would you realise it?
When you consider yourself successful, do you equate this to a bank balance, a title or a material possession?
If you think you need a few million to be successful, consider what the money brings you. Why do you want it?
If you dig deeper, it's probably freedom and flexibility – the ability to do what you want when you want to.
How can you start to design your day, giving yourself the freedom you crave? Instead of driving yourself to work ridiculous hours, what if you allowed yourself to spend time on your passion, hobby or interest more regularly instead of on holiday or a Sunday?
Does success mean you get home and can be fully present with your family? Rather than always stressing about what you could be doing, you can put down the screens and enjoy quality time with full presence and joy.
Does success mean you navigate the day with energy, vibrancy and enthusiasm?
Does success mean you get to impact other people and leave the team in a better space because you were there?
To live by design, you need to know what you're optimising for, but more importantly, it's appreciating it and being content when you arrive.
Appreciate and honour the goal post before you move it again, and take joy in savouring what you have created.
Final thoughts.
Living by design is trial and error; some weeks, you'll get it right, and others, you won't.
It's not about being perfect but being more mindful to make better choices and not repeat default decisions because you lost presence and got caught up in the the stress and anxiety of the moment.
Rather than guilt yourself into resolutions, understand your default patterns because this is where change happens.
You can only course-correct a behaviour you are aware of. Once you know what isn't working, you can take steps to live by design:
· What three priorities of focus are absolutely most crucial and essential for you right now?
· What needs to be different by this time next year for me to thrive in my work?
· What is a mistake you seem to repeat each year? What can you do to prevent it this time?
· When you get to the place you are aiming for, what will that look like?
Here's to loving our blindspots,
Warm wishes,
Lori