My Most Gifted Advice in 2023 - Part One.
My kids find it fascinating that my job as a coach is to have conversations with people. However, not all conversations are created equal; some offer a new perspective, unpack hidden fears and beliefs, and some even create life-changing shifts.
What I am sharing in this article is not groundbreaking or anything you haven't heard, but it is a reminder of what you already know. The problem is that common sense isn’t always common practice in times of stress or overwhelm; here are the most frequently discussed solutions over this past year across industries, genders and management levels.
Celebrate the small wins.
Most high performers will not acknowledge the small wins for fear of settling for something less than they truly aspire to. However, if you don't acknowledge the micro wins en route to the big goal, you will always feel like an imposter when you arrive because you have not internalised who you are becoming on the way.
Whether changing your health or striving for a career goal, celebrate the win because that win was based on making a harder choice – to change. It's easy to do the easy thing and stay where you are.
Choosing the right thing is harder, especially when you don't feel like it. Check out the full article here - 7 Reasons Why You Should Celebrate the Small Wins. — Beyond the Dress
Focus on what you can control.
When you're stressed or facing a challenge, direct your energy to what you can control.
Pressing the mental pause button when you are triggered is something you can always control. This simple action will distinguish between mindfully responding or reacting with regret. The more mature we become, the length of the pause increases, and more wisdom is available to us in those crucial moments.
How do you insert this pause? Choose to take one mindful breath before responding. Meditation is the equivalent training ground for these crucial moments as you would train for a race for those last final laps. Remember, you can always control your breath when you can't control anything else.
Adopt the mindset of contentment.
Do you feel content right now? Sure, there are things you want to improve or change, but if you can allow yourself the gift of feeling content despite how you think things should be, you will bring lightness and joy back into your day.
Contentment isn't complacency; it is appreciation. When you can appreciate what you have now, you stop putting your happiness on external factors and delaying it until ‘one day’.
Being content creates an internal locus of control, meaning you generate happiness without conditions. It comes from within simply because you choose it; you never need to have a reason.
Make friends with your anxiety.
Anxiety is not a character defect but an emotion. It is an internal warning system alerting you that you are trying too hard to control your external world or trying to live in the future.
Rather than feel anxious about being anxious – get curious and name it. Wow – I'm anxious; what am I focusing on? Therein lies the reason why you are anxious. Then do an anxiety audit:
What do I know – focus on the facts and the context of the situation.
What don't I know – who can you reach out to? What resources are available? Who do you know who has experienced this situation?
What can I influence – can you plan, prepare or talk with someone?
What I can't control – let go and reread point two (focus on what you can control).
Ground with gratitude.
If you still feel anxious after doing the anxiety audit, ground yourself with gratitude. The power of gratitude moves your attention from what is missing to what you have.
It reminds you of the resources available and that you have more than you realise. The mind-body connection is real; focusing on anxiety will trigger stress hormones, but focusing on gratitude will enable you to stay calm despite the challenges you face.
Drop the words should and must.
Should and must are 'mind sneakers' that pepper our daily vocabulary. The problem with should and must is that they trigger fear – what if it's wrong? What's expected of me? What if I fail?
Replace these words with want and choose. When you choose to do something, you take your power back—focusing on what you want to do drives creativity, innovation and a burst of energy to your task.
Choosing to do something is how you show up as your authentic self; doing something because you should is when you show up as your perfect self.
Communicate your needs.
Most conflicts or misunderstandings occur because you never articulated your needs or what you wanted. You expect the other person to know what you want, and then when they don't respond in the way you expect – you get resentful and most likely resort to quiet passive-aggressive behaviour, which isn't so quiet.
Conversations are the currency of change in your work or personal life; you can't expect others to magically read your mind. Conversations enable clarity, direction and new agreements.
The more specific you are, the less room for interpretation on both sides. Of course, do this with mutual respect and appreciation for the other person. Silence fuels disconnection; conversation creates connection and clarity.
Reframe imposter syndrome.
The more successful you become, the greater the chances of imposter syndrome showing up. It's that feeling that you don't know what you're doing, and everyone will find out.
What if imposter syndrome meant you were growing and moving out of your comfort zone? What if it's proof that you are innovating and challenging yourself?
The next time you feel that feeling, stop and remind yourself that you deserve to be here, or tell yourself, 'This is my time'. Refer to point one and acknowledge all the wins that have led you to this moment to reinforce that you are not an imposter but simply growing out of your comfort zone.
Allow life to happen on its own timing plan.
How often do you hear yourself say, 'I should be there by now'? This could mean the body you want, the title, the career or finances.
Your frustration is that you have a blueprint of how you think life should be; when your plan doesn't match reality, you get despondent, and the inner critic takes over the show.
Like nature, you can't risk it or influence it. The leaves will fall when ready, and shouting at the trees to move faster won't shift anything. As philosopher Lao Tzu says, “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished”.
Can you bring this analogy into your life? Can you trust that everything has its perfect timing? Maybe you aren't 'there' because you have time to focus on other priorities and are not meant to be there yet.
Life gives us what we need, not always what we want. When you can trust in that and let go of trying to manage every detail of your life, you can begin to enjoy the one in front of you.
"We must let go of the life we have planned, to accept the one that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell.
Move into acceptance.
Acceptance is not giving up; it allows reality to unfold without trying to control or manipulate it. How do you know you are not in acceptance? You hear yourself say, 'But it shouldn't be like this; he shouldn't have done that'.
Accepting the situation gives you a stronger place to take action. When you resist the situation, even something simple like it shouldn’t rain on my holiday, it ruins the experience.
It's raining, and you can't change it. Now, decide what would be the best thing to do indoors.
Resisting reality and wishing things were different will only frustrate you; accepting the situation is how you can move through it gracefully.
Keep the promises you make to yourself.
How often have you hit snooze instead of exercising, studying, or whatever you committed to? We have all done it. When you break the agreement with yourself, you dent your self-esteem and create feelings of anger, resentment and shame.
When you keep your promise to yourself, you generate confidence and self-trust. It doesn't matter if you did one squat or read one page –you made progress and created a micro-win. It's the evidence that you can depend on yourself to take the right action.
You don't need willpower if you value yourself enough to keep the promise you made. You are allowed to renegotiate the promise and go for the run in the afternoon if you have a late night.
You can't think about feeling enough; you show yourself with the right actions that you are enough.
Final thoughts.
There is no new knowledge in the world, but how it's packaged will spark a new idea or provide a new perspective you haven't considered. I hope this has planted some new seeds and reminded you of what you already know to be true for you:
· Celebrate the small wins.
· Focus on what you can control.
· Adopt the mindset of contentment.
· Make friends with your anxiety.
· Ground with gratitude.
· Drop the words should and must.
· Communicate what you want.
· Reframe imposter syndrome.
· Allow life to happen on its own timing plan.
· Move into acceptance.
· Keep the promises you make to yourself.
Here's to old truths,
Warm wishes,
Lori