Mental Health Mastery: What Flourishing Looks Like and How to Get There.
Beyond just surviving or thriving, what if you could flourish?
Imagine being in a state where daily actions feel effortless, and you can move through the day at your own pace without feeling constantly anxious and at the mercy of your calendar.
There is a deep sense of contentment while still striving for growth, enjoying the process, and not making your happiness subject to an outcome 'one day' in the future.
That's flourishing.
Flourishing is not about reaching a permanent destination but about creating more moments of it, even when life gets challenging.
It’s not realistic to expect this all the time, but growth happens when you notice something is missing and then take constructive steps to return to it or at least a closer version.
Let me share some practices that help me find my way back to flourishing, hoping they'll inspire you to discover your own path:
Tell people how you feel.
What prevents flourishing is resentment.
What escalates this resentment is when people do not behave in a way you expect them to, but if you're honest, did you tell them what's bothering you in the first place? Or do you offer help to others in the hope it will be returned to you without you having to ask?
Communication is the antidote to resentment and unrealistic expectations of others.
If you don't share the initial incident, no matter how trivial it seems, it will continue to stack, and eventually, the smallest action will trigger you to explode. For you, it seems totally justified, but for the other person, it comes out of nowhere.
It's difficult to flourish when resentment is blocking your joy.
Stop slave-driving yourself.
Do you ever question whether what you achieved in a day was enough even though you tackled some big tasks? I know I have caught myself having accomplished the major objectives I set out for the day, but I still felt, "Is it enough?" If I still had an hour or two available, I felt guilty just enjoying them with the kids or using that time to read or research.
No matter how good the day was, I was still questioning whether it was enough, which diminished the wins.
Now, I've learned to spot the pattern and interrupt it by celebrating what I did achieve and, more importantly, giving myself permission to feel guilt-free when not working.
You can only flourish when you don't feel guilty about what it takes to get there.
Don't wait to feel like it.
Flourishing shows up when you keep the promises you make to yourself.
What prevents flourishing is waiting for this magic bolt of inspiration to strike so you can feel like doing the thing you need to do.
How many times do you tell yourself you're tired and don't feel like it, hit snooze, and wake up frustrated with yourself?
Flourishing shows up after you've done the workout or started on the presentation. The intention to do it will never get you there.
Rather than waiting until you feel like it, decide in advance what you want to do, and don't let your mind argue with you. It will tell you it's early, or you deserve to lie in, but that's your inner critic designed to sabotage you.
Would you ever miss a meeting with your boss because you didn't feel like it? Probably not. So treat yourself with the same importance and show up.
Do it your way.
What prevents flourishing is trying to show up as someone else or your perfect self rather than your authentic self.
I've seen this pattern in my coaching, whether helping clients become better presenters or implementing new systems for their businesses.
The fear is that there is a way they 'should' tackle it, so they are constantly second-guessing themselves about whether it's the right way.
When you try and fit into someone else's mould, you will always create fear and anxiety.
When you do it your way and trust in yourself, you will find your flow and begin to flourish.
Embrace the unknown.
If you have a rule that in order for you to flourish, you need to know exactly what's going to happen and how it's going to look, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
One of my clients, Jedd, had always been in a traditional corporate environment with set policies and procedures. The road map was always clear, and there was no ambiguity.
Now, he has moved to a new role where the culture is very different and more flexible. He had been tasked with implementing some new systems and needed help understanding why he was procrastinating.
When we unpacked the situation, there was a lack of certainty about how to implement the system because he had been given full autonomy to design it based on his expertise.
When the safety blanket of the road map was removed, he froze and tackled easier tasks that created less anxiety and fear of failure.
To create an environment where he can flourish in the role, he had to learn to trust himself rather than rely on the road map to give him confidence.
Exposure is the antidote to anxiety, meaning he had to begin. He had to be bold enough to do it his way and trust in his knowledge. When mistakes showed up, he had to learn from them and course correct.
Flourishing only emerged when he moved into action by embracing uncertainty.
Extend trust to others.
You can't flourish if you're exhausted or overloaded. What I hear most from my high performers is that they cannot delegate for fear of the job not being done as perfectly as they would like.
There's the assumption that no one can do it better than them, so they either hold onto tasks or jump in and rescue them when they see someone not executing them to their high standards.
To flourish, you need time and space to think. To create more time, you must learn to delegate, value others' growth, and give them the gift of autonomy.
Instead of protecting the team or, more likely, protecting yourself, how about extending trust to others?
It will feel uncomfortable at first, but when you can see how much time you free up for the tasks that really matter, you will begin to flourish in the areas you want, not your busy work.
Replace judgment with curiosity.
Similar to resentment, you cannot truly flourish when you're in judgment.
Judgement creates disconnection and an underlying simmering of anger, disappointment or frustration.
Flourishing, in this case, is replacing judgment with curiosity. If someone didn't get their work done on time, rather than assume they are lazy or don't care, sit down with this person and ask what barrier or resistance prevented them from completing the task.
Ask them what they need from you and how you can better support them. You may discover that they are going through something troubling in their personal life, or they weren't sure of the exact steps and didn't want to risk making a mistake, so they procrastinate.
Everyone is living a story you know nothing about. The more you can take an interest in what that story may be, the more you can understand the person and find a solution.
Judgement is like a filter through which you see everything; if you believe someone doesn't respect you, then anything they do will be tainted by this filter.
Judgement feels heavy, but curiosity allows you to remain open and have more compassion.
True flourishing is about removing judgment against yourself so you have more compassion for yourself. From this place, you will naturally be able to have more compassion for others.
Final thoughts.
Flourishing is not something you always see outwardly projected; it's more an internal feeling of deep contentment, gratitude, happiness and savouring.
It does not generate from only one action; it's a build-up of the right actions done consistently over time. We are human and fallible, and of course, we will make mistakes, move into judgment and let ourselves down.
The more conscious awareness you can bring to the daily choices you make, the more you enable yourself to experience more moments of flourishing. Here they are again:
Tell people how you feel.
Stop slave-driving yourself.
Don't wait to feel like it.
Do it your way.
Embrace the unknown.
Extend trust to others.
Replace judgment with curiosity.
My invitation is to start with one thing you can do differently to interrupt the patterns that prevent flourishing, such as self-forgetting, judgment, and perfectionism.
When you catch yourself going on autopilot of the anti-flourishing behaviour, stop and insert a purposeful pause by taking one mindful breath. In this space is the opportunity to make a different choice.
Here's to your version of flourishing,
Warm wishes,
Lori