Self-Reliance: The Unexpected Key to Trusting Others.

Think about relationships where there is a high trust factor, things happen smoothly, and communication is effortless. In other words, they are high-speed and low-cost.

Now consider a low-trust relationship; you have to walk on eggshells and watch every word you say. It's high cost and low speed. Simply put, this is the business case for trust.

In his book The Speed of Trust, Stephen Covey discusses a trust tax in which low trust results in low energy and low joy.

Think about teams that have low psychological safety; there is low engagement and retention, and people live in a zone of anxiety.

Have you ever considered it's the same for you?

When you don't trust yourself, there's low energy and low joy.

If you struggle with trusting others, you must find something you trust in, and the starting point is to begin with self-trust.

Trust = credibility + consistency

Seth Godin tells us that trust equals credibility and consistent behaviour. A trustworthy brand is measured by one simple factor: it keeps its promises.

If you struggle to trust others, you may fear not being able to control another person's actions, but you have complete control over keeping the promises you make to yourself.

Self-care is the ultimate system for self-trust because you get to control the entire process. Here are some things to consider:

Think small.

Whatever it is for you, whether it's cutting down on Netflix to get to sleep earlier or replacing scrolling with a book before bed, start small and create your micro win. It's the first Lego brick of your creation.

The myth about creating a self-care routine is that you need a lot of time. Whether you want to be a better meditator or walker, start with fifteen minutes. It may seem insignificant in the moment, but you need to begin, and this is enough time to create your micro win and establish progress.

Even if it’s one squat, one page, or three mindful breaths, you have kept your agreement, and this is where confidence is generated.

When you break your promise to yourself, you dent your self-esteem.

Your promise doesn't even have to be anything physical like walking or eating well; it can be to keep the promise to work on the document you have been procrastinating on.

When the resistance shows up, and you're tempted to do 'one more episode' of your favourite series, then remind yourself – it's just fifteen minutes.

The default is to think that you couldn't possibly make a dent in the work in that space of time, but you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. The point is not to finish; it's to begin and build momentum.

Whatever you do is evidence that you can be self-reliant, and this confidence capital can be transferred to any area of your life.

Don't wait to feel like it.

Another myth of self-care is you need to feel like doing the activity to begin.

Most of the time, you'll never feel like it until…you are doing the action in question.

No one gets excited before the run, but that feeling after completing it is worth every dreaded moment when you drag yourself out of bed. In the words of Seth Godin:

“Your work is too important to be left to how you feel today. On the other hand, committing to an action can change how we feel. If we act as though we trust the process and do the work, then the feelings will follow. Waiting for a feeling is a luxury we don't have time for.

Only through the right action can we change the story that 'I'm not a morning person' or 'I'm a procrastinator'.

"If you want to change your story, change your actions first. When we choose to act a certain way, our mind can't help but rework our narrative to make those actions become coherent. We become what we do."

You do have time.

The most common excuse I hear from my clients is 'I don't have time,' which usually comes from business owners or people who have autonomy over their diaries.

Time is not the problem; it's that you value keeping other people's promises over your own.

You can do both; you can keep your promise and then afterwards concern yourself with other people. Remember, if you continue to operate from a low trust base, you won't have the energy and joy to show up as your best for others and yourself.

Don't blame time, move from self-forgetting to self-remembering.

How to raise the trust bar.

Once you have mastered self-trust, can you push yourself out of your comfort zone and now move into trust? In other words, can you let go of control completely and hand over trust to something bigger than yourself?

Let's say a project at work or something in your personal life is not going according to your perfect timing plan. Rather than generate unnecessary anxiety that it should have happened already, what if you can trust in the timing? What if the fact this project hasn't happened yet is allowing you space to focus on more important things?

When you move into trust, you can have faith that life is happening for you and not to you.

Final thoughts.

With this level of trust, you can focus on what you can control by keeping the promises you make to yourself because control is the ultimate illusion.

From this place of high energy and joy, you can start to show up as your authentic self, not your perfect self.

When self-trust is high, now you can start to extend trust to others. As Ernest Hemingway says: