The Self-Sabotaging Patterns You Don’t Realise You’re Repeating.

We often think growth means doing more—adding new habits, routines, or strategies. But what if it’s simpler than that? What if real growth begins by stopping the behaviours that quietly hold you back? What if it’s more about letting go than adding in?

Here are some common patterns I notice in my clients—and in myself—that, once released, create powerful shifts.

You hold double standards for yourself.

Do you ever make secret deals with yourself? “If I take a lunch break today, I’ll have to make up the hours after dinner.” “If I go for a run, I can ‘earn’ that muffin.”

We trade kindness like it’s a currency. But notice: when you want to do something kind for someone you love, do you ask for something in return? Probably not. So why do you hold yourself to harsher rules?

Why can’t you rest on a weekend, take an hour to paint, garden, or read—without guilt, justification, or negotiation?

I call this adopting a kind mind: treating yourself as inherently worthy, without conditions.

When we bargain with ourselves, the terms are often skewed against us. These trades keep us perpetually dissatisfied, never enough. Instead, try offering yourself unconditional friendliness. If that feels difficult, ask: How would I treat my best friend or partner in this situation? Then apply the same standard to yourself.

You stay stuck in old patterns from your past self.

I often see clients holding on to behaviours that once served them—but no longer do. What got you here won’t necessarily get you there.

One client, a brilliant marketing director, built her career on meticulous preparation: endless lists, late-night run-throughs, anticipating every possible scenario. It worked—back then. But now, despite her success, she clings to that old identity. Overpreparing doesn’t calm her anymore; it drains her.

I’ve lived this too. Early in my speaking career, I obsessed over every slide, every word, terrified of forgetting something. It gave me confidence but kept me rigid, unable to improvise or connect deeply in the moment.

These days, I still prepare—but with lightness, fun, and flexibility. I focus less on “getting it right” and more on being of value. The result? More impact, less stress, and a calmer presence—not just for me, but for my family, who no longer bear the brunt of my pre-event tension.

Growth requires shedding the skin of past behaviours. Respect what got you here, but don’t let it define your next chapter.

You fear anxiety.

Anxiety often feels like an enemy—but what if it’s really a messenger?

Anxiety shows up when your mind is too focused on the future or trying to control what it can’t. As author Karla McLaren reminds us, emotions are not directives but data. Anxiety, in particular, offers gifts: foresight, focus, task completion, conscience, and even a procrastination alert system.

Instead of panicking about being anxious, get curious:

• What brought this feeling forward?

• What really needs to be done?

Other powerful questions to unravel anxiety and use it as an ally:

• What are my strengths and resources?

• What really needs to be done?

• Do I need more information?

• Are there any upcoming deadlines?

• What do I need to do to prepare?

• Is anything unfinished?

• Have I achieved or completed something similar in the past?

• Is there anything I've overlooked?

• Can I delegate any tasks or ask for help?

• What is one small task that I can complete right now?

Left unacknowledged, anxiety obstructs: missed deadlines, disorganisation, distraction. But when you sit with it—invite it in for coffee, so to speak—it transforms from a saboteur into a trusted advisor.

You suppress anger.

Many people see anger as destructive, something to repress to “keep moving forward.” But denying anger doesn’t dissolve it—it leaks out as irritation, resentment, passive aggression, or, eventually, rage.

McLaren describes anger’s gifts as honour, conviction, self-esteem, boundaries, and protection. To access those gifts, she suggests asking:

• What do I value?

• What must be protected or restored?

Sometimes anger points to places where you’ve abandoned your own boundaries or expected others to read your mind. Recognising this doesn’t mean exploding at people—it means naming your feelings, and, from a calm state, expressing them clearly without blame.

Suppressing anger disconnects you. Facing it deepens connection.

You cling to expectations.

Expectations trip us up in two ways: holding onto old ones, or projecting future ones. Both create assumptions that rarely match reality.

Maybe you expect someone to behave like their past self, only to find they’ve outgrown those habits. Or you anticipate disappointment before it even happens.

Think of a hyped-up holiday or restaurant that fell short—not because it was bad, but because your imagination built an impossible standard. Or my daughter’s contact lens experience: she expected an easy, movie-scene moment. Instead, she struggled to get them in her eyes. The reality was frustrating—but it was also where her growth happened.

Disappointment often comes not from what is, but from what we expected it to be.

So, the next time you hear yourself say “I expected…”, pause. Reset. Approach with openness, curiosity, and gratitude. Instead of comparing it to what was or what should be, receive it as it is.

Final Thoughts.

Growth doesn’t always come from adding more to your life. More effort. More strategy. More pressure. True growth often comes from subtraction—from letting go of the patterns that drain you, the stories that keep you small, and the habits that no longer serve who you are becoming such as:

• You hold double standards for yourself.

• You stay stuck in old patterns from your past self.

• You fear anxiety.

• You suppress anger.

• You cling to expectations.

When you begin to release these quiet saboteurs, you make space for clarity, calm, and confidence. You step out of old identities and into the freedom of showing up as your whole, unedited self.

The invitation is simple: start noticing. Start loosening your grip. And trust that what remains is exactly what you need to carry you forward.

Think of growth as a clearing. Every time you release a pattern that no longer fits—an old story, an outdated expectation, a suppressed emotion—you create space. Space for new insight. Space for deeper connection. Space for the version of you that’s been waiting to emerge.

The question is: what are you ready to let go of today?

Here's to letting go,

Warm wishes,

Lori