9 Habits of Content and Happy People.
Most of us think happiness results from accumulating external factors such as a particular bank balance, car, holiday or title. Having material possessions is great, but what happens if you lose all these things? Would you never allow yourself the gift of happiness?
Living your life in this way is called an external locus of control, where you place your self-worth and value onto external factors that you have no control over. An internal locus of control comes from within; you get to choose happiness and contentment despite the external factors.
When you operate from this place, happiness becomes a choice. It is a decision you get to make every day.
I know this sounds pretty idealistic and something only achievable to zen monks, but what if I told you that the happiest and most content people I know have figured out the formula to happiness that doesn't rely on anything external. Here are nine ways to make happiness a daily choice:
Give to give, not receive.
Happy people do not view giving as a transaction. They give to contribute and add value without expecting anything in return.
The joy is in giving, not waiting for the act of reciprocation. You maintain an internal locus of control when you can operate from this place. If your happiness depends on how someone reciprocates or responds, you may need to question your intentions behind the act.
It takes a great deal of honesty and self-awareness, but when you can genuinely give from a place of pure contribution, any response or reciprocation is a bonus. It should never be the reason behind it. You need to fill yourself up, not rely on the acts of other people to do this.
Ground with gratitude.
"If you focus on what you have, you gain what you lack. If you focus on what you lack, you lose what you have". - Greg McKeown
Your mood is directly proportional to where you place your focus. If you constantly focus on what's missing, your thoughts will follow and land up in despair, anger, resentment and sadness.
Gratitude is a superpower because you cannot be angry and grateful simultaneously. Despite the external challenges, you can choose where you place your focus.
Happy people know that gratitude is the foundation of contentment. In order to appreciate what is still to come, you need to have gratitude for what you currently have now.
What if you were living your best life but never stopped to appreciate it?
Think about the person you were five years ago; how would they view your life today. Perhaps something that may have felt out of reach then is something you have mastered today. Take a moment and acknowledge your wins and appreciate how far you have come.
Above all, gratitude reciprocates – the more you acknowledge all you have today, the more you will create in your life.
Focus on what you can control.
Consider how you feel when you focus on what you can control versus the factors outside your control. If you need to have a courageous conversation with someone, you cannot control their reaction, but you can plan for what you would like to say and anticipate a response.
If you focus on what their reaction might be, you create anxiety and anticipate the worst-case scenario. Not only are you anticipating the worst, but you bring it into the present and begin living it as if it's happened.
You cannot control someone's response, but you can control your state and how you want to show up to the conversation.
You can't control the commute to the office, but you can plan for it and control how you fill that time. What about using it as the opportunity for personal growth and listening to inspiring books, podcasts, or catching up on calls with friends and family?
When you can shift your question from what will I lose to what can I gain, your happiness and contentment will shift along with it too.
Recognise that abundance takes many forms.
When you think about abundance, your mind tends to gravitate to money.
Abundance comes in many forms, such as health, happiness, family, joy, a sense of purpose, nature or security.
Deepak Chopra says:
"We never need to seek abundance but open up to what is already there".
Content and happy people do not measure their wealth by their money alone. Consider how some of the wealthiest people are miserable, and those who can barely get by can still live joyful lives.
Of course, life is more comfortable with money, but the happiest people do not use money as their only means to measure their true wealth. Abundance can also show up in the form of time and flexibility.
Consider how remote work has provided new possibilities to manage your time. On the days you can work from home, think about how you can maximise your morning routine for self-care. You have received the gift of time and the ability to live by design and not default.
If you stopped checking your phone as the first thing you do each day, you would allow yourself the opportunity to see the gift available to you? Happy and content people set boundaries around this time to ensure they use it for something that will energise them from the inside out - this is why they continue to be happy!
Abundance is already in your life; the secret is recognising it and being open to receiving these gifts.
Ask for help.
Do you ask for help, or do you quietly resent those closest to you for not knowing what you want?
A content person is comfortable in their own skin. They know that asking for help is not weakness and do not fear judgement or retribution.
Happy people are happy because they are comfortable enough to say what they need. If you feel overwhelmed, who can you reach out to in the team that has been through something similar? You never have to face challenges alone; there are people with a wealth of experience who can share their experiences and fast-track your learning.
If you are on the other extreme of contentment, what self-talk comes up when contemplating delegation or asking for help?
If your inbox is always full or you constantly tell yourself it's pointless delegating because no one can do it as well as you, you may need to see these alarm bells that you are holding onto control a little too tight.
I'm not only talking about work tasks – think about your personal life. Can you delegate your housekeeping, kids lifts or whatever else is taking your valuable time?
What is your hourly rate? Maybe you don't have an official one, so let's imagine your rate. What is it costing you to do this task you resent? How much could you save in time and mental bandwidth if you outsourced it?
If you cannot bring yourself to write a CV or update your LinkedIn profile, hire someone to do it for you. What are you procrastinating on, and how can you simplify your life by asking for help?
When you let go of the activities that deplete you, your happiness and contentment will rise to fill this space.
Don't get attached to the outcome.
Content and happy people follow the breadcrumbs of their curiosity without the pressure on the end result. They find joy in the daily journey, not only the outcome.
Not everything you do has to be linked to your work. What about doing a painting class or a photography course just because it is something that's fun and feeds your creativity? It's not about attaching to the outcome alone; doing it because it fulfils you is reason enough.
Setting a goal gives you direction, and a means to raise your standards. If you set an ambitious goal, it forces you to become the person worthy of the goal. Who do you need to become to achieve it? That is how you achieve happiness in your life; it is not whether you achieve the goal but the growth along the way.
If you only focus on the outcome, you never allow for new possibilities. You may have attached to one outcome but what if something better comes up along the way? Will you allow yourself to see it or disregard it because it isn't packaged according to your definition of success?
Happy people set a goal and take daily action towards it but are open to taking a detour along the way.
Aim for progress, not perfection.
Happy people allow themselves to be a beginner. Perfection is not the goal; it's about learning and feedback. If you want to start a new hobby or learn a new skill, you will not be proficient at first. It's impossible.
As a high achiever, you are incredibly uncomfortable and will avoid this feeling of discomfort because it questions your identity. What if you could allow yourself the freedom to suck? Just embrace how it feels to be a beginner again with no judgement?
Happy people are comfortable in their own skin to know that this is a process. As long as they consistently make progress, they are happy and willing to trust the process.
Progress is what creates motivation. If you are better than last week, celebrate it and keep going.
Give yourself permission.
Happy people are not lazy. Content people are not mediocre. They live their life by design and have mastered the art of boundary management.
If they have committed to starting their workday at 8:30, they do not default on this promise and check work emails from 7 am. They have dedicated the morning to self-care and activities that bring them joy.
They permit themselves to have lunch breaks, recharge between meetings rather than push themselves non-stop and land up exhausted by the afternoon.
Boundaries are not only respected on weekdays but at weekends. They give themselves permission to rest, recover and plan time off.
Your workdays can be a place of joy, purpose and fulfilment if you permit yourself to create days you don't want to escape from. Here is an exercise to create some clarity:
Craft your dream "ideal day" on a typical day of the week. What does it look like?
Compare your dream "ideal day" to your current daily schedule. What could be improved? What are you not making time for? What are you doing that depletes you – can you find a way to remove these tasks?
Now give yourself permission. It's as simple as that.
Life happens for you, not to you.
Happy and content people are not devoid of pain. They experience challenges just like anybody else. The difference is how they approach these challenges and how they choose to respond.
Think about a life-changing event from your past – at the time; it felt like it was the worst thing ever. With the gift of hindsight, you could look back and see how this challenge happened for you. Perhaps a relationship ended, but you met someone incredible afterwards or never got the job you wanted, and an even better opportunity opened up for you.
Someone whose emotional home is happiness and contentment will accept life's challenges as an opportunity for growth. They will create significance out of suffering and be open to the lessons. Even if it is inexplicable, they don't resist reality but understand there is a bigger picture and that life happens for them.
When you find yourself experiencing challenges, ask yourself, 'How can I appreciate this as a gift? Or 'what is this situation here to teach me?' You cannot change the situation, but you can change how you show up to it.
Faith is the elixir of life. Happy and content people replace control with faith when faced with challenges. Knowing there is something bigger than themselves enables them to know that life is happening for them, not to them.
This is not about false positivity.
I am not endorsing false positivity and that you are not allowed to feel pain, sadness or anger. All these emotions have a role and belong. As TED speaker Susan David says, emotions are data, not directives. When you feel sad, there is a reason for it. Explore it with curiosity, and don't push it away.
The difference is that you get to choose how long you want to sit in your sadness for.
Happiness is a choice. Contentment is a daily decision.
If you want to make this your emotional default, consider the following habits:
Give to give, not receive.
Ground with gratitude
Recognise that abundance takes many forms.
Focus on what you can control.
Ask for help.
Don't get attached to the outcome.
Aim for progress, not perfection.
Give yourself permission.
Life happens for you, not to you.
Here's to choosing joy,
Warm wishes
Lori