How to show up to others

It’s always easier to manage our own emotions and headspace but how do you support someone who just doesn’t seem to have moved past the phase of denial and into acceptance? How do you engage with someone who is constantly negative and this becomes more challenging when this person is in your immediate circle such as family, close friend, someone on your team at work or a work colleague you have to interact with daily? Here are some thoughts on how to approach this situation and tools to nurture these relationships:You can’t change peopleWe all have a lens on how we choose to view the world. You may have chosen the lens of positivity and focus on the lessons and the growth available to you despite the external situation. Or perhaps if you are battling on the positivity side – at least you have accepted the situation for what it is now and are choosing to make the best of it.However you need to accept you cannot put this onto someone else nor get frustrated when they don’t choose your lens. All you can do is support them but first you must accept that they may not want to change, probably will never change and just don’t choose the same view as you. And that’s ok. I know you may feel helpless in the situation but let go of trying to inspire others when they simply do not want to hear it. You cannot be responsible for other people’s energy and how they choose to face this.ListenUltimately people want to know they are being listened to and heard. The more they feel they are heard, the more they tend to share. When you don’t feel like someone is listening to you, it tends to make you feel invisible. Allow them the space to talk and share without interjecting with your own experience. Do not ‘one up’ them – you know how it goes. ‘You are stressed, you have no idea how I overwhelmed I am!’ You know every time you share something, the other person is always more stressed, more sick, have better holidays, etc. Just focus on the words they are saying without thinking about what you want to say next – that is just mental multi-tasking.Be the listener not the fixerThis is a tough one for most people. Even if you have listened and you don’t interject with your own experience, you are most probably thinking ‘How can I fix it for them?’ Again – not the right way to approach this kind of person. Most of time people just want to offload, they don’t want your solution or advice. They want the space of a sounding board and just saying the words and expressing themselves out loud is therapeutic enough.When it is your turn to speak, use phrases like ‘I hear you’; ‘that must be incredibly difficult for you’. In that way, you can demonstrate that you have heard them and this also gives them permission to continue if they need to.Acknowledge their feelings with empathyThis is another tool you can use when dealing with difficult people in conversation. Simply acknowledge the feelings that they are expressing or equally not sharing. ‘That must make you feel really anxious’; ‘I’m sure you must feel really helpless if your kids are far away’. A great quote I heard was that ‘We are all in different boats but all in the same storm’. At this point in quarantine – we have no idea how some people have been affected mentally, financially and emotionally. Just put yourself in their shoes and imagine how it must be for them. That is the only way we can have these conversations with sincerity and kindness.Provide reassurance not adviceIt’s really challenging when you want to share your strategy on gratitude, positive thinking, perspective and the other person just doesn’t want to hear it. Or they acknowledge you but don’t make any sort of active change to their mental models. All you can do is provide reassurance but don’t offer advice unless it is requested. You can say things like ‘This will be ok, I know it seems hard to see it now’ or ‘just know you are not alone, you are surrounded with people who care about you’. You can also let them know that ‘When you are ready, let me know if you would like my perspective and advice on the situation’.Ask questionsOften frustration emerges out of not really understanding where the other person is coming from. So ask open ended questions to try get into their headspace. Instead of ‘Are you feeling anxious?’ because they may reply a one worded answer like yes or no. But if you asked them ‘How is your headspace this week?’ or ‘What are you most concerned about?’ This gives them an invitation to share and open up more.Prepare for the conversationIf this person is close to you and you can already anticipate the conversation before it begins then mentally prepare yourself. Take a deep breathe before the call or meeting and remind yourself to listen with empathy and not allow yourself to get frustrated. You may not be able to help in the way you want but remind yourself that simply the ability to listen and provide support is what they need at the moment. Press the mental pause button if they say something that rattles you; give yourself a space to respond rather than react.Everyone is experiencing this differently and have to sail their own journey. Perhaps there is a lesson for you in patience, empathy and tolerance – let this person be part of your growth.Here’s to sailing the storm together,Warm wishesLori