How to Handle the Awkward Space Between You and Someone in Despair.
What do you do with that uncomfortable space between you and someone you care about when they are going through a tough time?
Most people do not like this space; it is awkward, especially when paired with a deafening silence. Most people’s default reaction is to offer advice or a feeble comment that begin with the words, ‘at least’ so that they can break the uncomfortable silence.
You and I have both been on the receiving end of an ‘At least’ comment, and it doesn’t make you feel any better.
I have learned that in those difficult situations where someone close to you is in emotional pain, all you can do is hold space for them.
What does it mean to hold space?
One of my clients faced a situation where his mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
He was in utter despair and asked me to propose a few ideas on approaching this situation.
We discussed the idea of creating a unique remembrance book to capture his mother’s wisdom, life experiences and lessons. This book project would redirect her focus by giving her a sense of purpose and meaning and give my client a positive way to connect with his mother.
Apart from this, there was only one thing I could do. Hold space for him. Holding space meant allowing him the opportunity to sit in his discomfort without trying to distract him from his feelings.
Holding space means supporting someone through a difficult time without trying to sugar-coat the experience. The best thing you can do is have compassion and support this person unconditionally.
People are not looking for the perfect words but unconditional support.
Silence is often a more powerful gift than any words could offer.
Expand the space.
Although I couldn’t do anything to help the situation with his mother, I did have a way to expand his space by reframing the situation for him.
My client is the quintessential A-type personality and always has a solution for everything. He is known as ‘the fixer’ — making things happen to the highest standards and always making it look effortless.
This was the first time in his adult life that he was overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness because he had no control over his mom’s illness. This was his lesson on acceptance and relinquishing control.
When I shared this, you could see something shift inside him. I had expanded his space and perspective by creating significance out of suffering.
Nothing could ever soften the situation of a dying parent, but he stopped fighting his resistance to the circumstances. He accepted and understood that he could not change his mother’s illness.
His mindset had shifted from resistance to acceptance, and he understood all he could do from this point was hold space for his mother and make the most of the precious time left with her rather than expend precious energy trying to change the situation.
What about the relationship to self?
How can you apply these concepts to yourself? Holding and expanding space is not only about facing tough times but something you can do in any situation.
The way to develop these muscles is through self-awareness and stillness.
Holding space for yourself means allowing yourself to sit in the discomfort of a situation without trying to numb it, manipulate it or sugar-coat it. If you are experiencing overwhelm, anxiety or fear, sit in the discomfort of these feelings and get curious.
Welcome the fear and invite it to join you and ask what it is trying to tell you. Instead of avoiding the fear or diluting it through substances like alcohol, get to know the fear a little better.
Perhaps by holding space for the fear, you discover it is a compass and something to follow rather than avoid. Maybe it’s telling you this is a great opportunity, and the fear is the discomfort of the unknown rather than danger.
Anxiety reveals one of two things; you are either too future-focused or trying too hard to control your external circumstances. Again, hold the space and shine a flashlight on your anxiety, and you may realise you are projecting a worst-case scenario in the future and bringing it back to the present moment as if it is reality.
How can you expand your space?
Tim Ferriss says that all that stands between you and what you want is a better set of questions.
Instead of focusing on questions like ‘Why is this happening to me? or Why do I self-sabotage?’, ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘what is this here to teach me or how can I grow from this?’
A better question will consistently deliver a better answer.
When you can be the student of challenge rather than the victim of it and find meaning, that becomes your fuel to develop a resilient mindset.
Expansion is not about addition.
Expanding space is not always about getting bigger but rather removing obsolete clutter that takes up unnecessary space.
Instead of looking at what you need to do or gain, how about starting with removing any outdated thoughts, beliefs and stories that no longer serve you?
Your thoughts and beliefs run your internal operating system; if you have irrelevant and outdated thoughts, it slows down the whole system and can’t operate at maximum capacity.
Your phone is one step ahead because it does automatic updates to ensure a smooth operating system. Your system is still a manual process. To expand your space and possibilities, you need to begin with removing mental clutter and deleting the thoughts and stories that keep you playing small.
Final thoughts.
Whether you are holding space for yourself or others, there is one simple thing to remember.
When you are not sure what to say, be silent.
Reframe silence from being a place of helplessness to a space that can offer genuine love, support and connection.
To expand space, keep it simple. Start by focusing on what you need to remove before you overcomplicate things.
Here’s to silence and stillness,
Warm wishes
Lori