The Art of Being Your Own Worst Enemy.
What excites me most is helping the high performers I coach to unlock their true potential. It’s not one specific action that brings about this change; it is instead the tiny tweaks that have the greatest impact.
It is the subtle brush strokes that bring the masterpiece to life.
These 'brush strokes' are identifying the self-defeating behaviours that limit their success. I call this collection of self-sabotaging habits the art of being your own worst enemy.
Deciding to be your own worst enemy is not a conscious decision. No one says I will go out of my way to sabotage myself and my happiness, yet I see people making decisions not in their best interest and amplifying their stress constantly.
Becoming your own worst enemy is an art form; it's composed of carefully selected habits. As you read through this list, ask yourself if you can resonate and recognise this same pattern and decide whether this is still serving you or if you would like to choose a better way.
If, despite your better judgement, you want to continue to indulge in habits that amplify your stress 'to keep you on the ball', then let’s unpack in detail the guaranteed formula to become your own worst enemy:
Anxiety.
To be your own worst enemy, you must focus on everything you cannot control and try to manipulate and predict your future. The more you focus on what is missing, the more anxious you become.
Rather than acknowledge your achievements and accomplishments, focus on all the clients you don't have, the sales you are still to make and all the money you thought you would have accumulated by now.
Anxiety is an internal warning system that you are focusing on the wrong things. If you want to be your own worst enemy, focus on terrible situations that happened in your past and replay them again on repeat and convince yourself that things will never change. Or imagine a worst-case scenario from the future so you can bring it into the present and live it as if it was reality.
Maybe that conversation you're avoiding or that appointment you're putting off, keep imagining the worst possible outcome and then create more anxiety by avoiding it altogether.
You can never show up powerfully when your state is anxious. After all, you operate from your lizard brain because you trigger an amygdala highjack. When you focus on what you can control, you operate from the prefrontal cortex, where you can make big decisions from a place of calm confidence.
If you want to succeed at regretting your decisions, continue to refine the habit of anxiety.
Control.
If anxiety is caused by where you place your focus, you can always drive it up a notch by trying to control everything.
If you want to be your worst enemy, try controlling people, external circumstances or even the timing that you expect things to happen. You feel out of control when things don't happen within your ideal timing plan. You know you're succeeding when you hear yourself say, 'I should be further by now; I should have achieved this by now'.
Even if your intention is pure and you want to help someone in your family, trying to control them will only leave you frustrated and even more anxious. If you want to be your worst enemy, try to change people who don't want to be changed or fixed. Remember, most people are addicted to their problems; if you take them away, they may have nothing to focus on.
You can also worry as an excellent strategy as a false sense of control. Worrying is rehearsing failure. The more time and energy you dedicate to worry, the more you feel like you are doing something about the situation.
It is a false sense of control because you are still not taking action, ironically leaving you feeling even more powerless.
Perfection.
If you want to sabotage your happiness, you must ensure strict perfection in all you do and never tolerate mistakes as feedback or lessons to improve the next time.
Why not apply all the conditions in the first column so you can make sure you ultimately achieve your goal of being your own worst enemy? If you do all of them, you may even perfect the art of creating more stress for yourself than is necessary.
Avoiding uncertainty.
To be your own worst enemy, play it safe and stay hidden in your comfort zone. Stay attached to the known even if you're bored or know you can do more. At least that way, you know you can't fail or risk judgement of trying something new.
Why bother to have a growth mindset when it means risking being seen and possibly failing? You can reach a middle ground – continue to purchase all the books, do the courses and attend conferences but don't attempt to apply the teachings.
Why engage in the discomfort of finding a new or better way for yourself? You know it's where the growth is, but you'd rather avoid the feeling of being a beginner again.
Stay safe and continue to play it small.
Constant Doing.
If you want to burn yourself out, believe that stillness equals stagnation. You should only equate self-worth to your work achievements or busyness so that if you take some quiet time to read, go for a walk, or sit in the sun; you will be rendered useless.
You can adopt the belief that meditation and yoga are a waste of time and that connecting to your thoughts, goals, intentions, and inner thinking is not essential.
Keep yourself busy and create false deadlines to keep you working after hours and on weekends. The busier you are, the more successful you will feel, even though you feel exhausted and like you've lost your spark.
To be your own worst enemy, focus on busy work, not your life's work, to ensure you never achieve personal fulfilment and contribution.
Critical self-talk.
Confidence starts with the thoughts you tell yourself. To truly master being your own worst enemy, cultivate a vicious inner critic. You can have much fun with this one; some helpful phrases are – you're not enough, you'll never get there, and you should be more demanding of yourself.
When you receive a compliment, don't accept and internalise it but deflect it or give someone else credit for your hard work and effort. Never praise yourself when you succeed; keep looking for what went wrong or what you could have done better.
If you can create a narrative that only looks for what's wrong and how you can't succeed, you are well on your way to being your own worst enemy.
Conditional self-acceptance.
As a high performer, you cannot risk mediocrity by accepting yourself as is right now. If you want to lose weight, only love yourself once you are happy with the number on the scale. The thought of loving yourself unconditionally right now is unimaginable.
Likewise, if you want to achieve a work goal or aspire to a new title, don't celebrate your victories along the way but acknowledge yourself only when you reach the huge milestones.
Again, you need to be careful of being too complacent, so you must identify the next big thing immediately and don't give yourself the joy of savouring what you have achieved.
A good formula is: Only when I achieve_________, then I can__________.
You can also apply this in the week to see if you deserve a restful weekend or even to take some downtime after work.
If I achieve everything on my list, I intended to; then I will allow myself some time to rest.
But you know you will never practically achieve everything on the list because you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, so you will never feel deserving of the break or doing something nice for yourself.
The way to be your best enemy is to set the bar too high and keep disappointing yourself constantly and hold yourself hostage to rest and recovery.
Personal improvement.
To be your own worst enemy, you need to fix yourself constantly. You'll be ready to act on your goals if you read another book, get another certification, or attend another workshop.
You must hold yourself back for as long as possible and convince yourself you are not quite there because you need more information or you cant charge for your services because you haven't been doing it long enough to value yourself and your time.
To be your own worst enemy, don't ever give yourself the satisfaction of knowing you are enough right now and that everything you need is already within you.
Do it alone.
To succeed in becoming your best saboteur, never ask for help. Even from your family. You can adopt the mindset that asking for help is a weakness; you will be a burden, and people will think you are incompetent because you asked for help.
Never be vulnerable by admitting self-doubt or saying, 'I'm struggling with this and would value your advice'.
Just sit in the problem alone and ignore it or distract yourself, so you don't have to deal with it. Or convince yourself that the world is on your shoulders and you are all alone to solve this.
Put other people first.
I saved the best for last – if you want to sabotage yourself, keep putting everyone else's urgencies ahead of your own. If you book an appointment for yourself and someone else happens to request you at the same time, cancel yourself.
In fact, move yourself to the bottom of your to-do list altogether. When you are about to go for a walk or meditate because you need it, instead check your phone messages or log into your email. Then you can trigger anxiety about how much needs to be done and, again, ignore your own needs and goals.
If you put everyone first, then at least you will feel like you're contributing to them. Above all, place others people's needs ahead of your own and aim to be an expert people pleaser. This is the most guaranteed way to become your own worst enemy.
Final thoughts.
The art of being your own worst enemy is not one habit but a stacking of sabotaging behaviours. Self-awareness is the catalyst to change because you can only change a pattern once you are ready to acknowledge it and decide to choose a better way.
I am not advocating these behaviours; I am painting a picture of what I see people doing despite their better judgement. If this has been your default, this article is your permission device for a gentler and kinder way to live without compromising on your goals.
If you recognise these habits in yourself or others you know, share them, so people understand they are not alone.
Anxiety
Control
Perfection
Avoiding uncertainty
Constant doing
Critical self-talk
Conditional self-acceptance
Personal improvement
Do it alone
Put other people first
Even if these habits seem the only way to succeed, remember there is always a kinder and gentler way.
What now? Identify the one brush stroke, the tiniest shift, that will reveal your masterpiece.
Here's to making better choices,
Warm wishes,
Lori