What I learnt from Brene Brown on Managing Anxiety.

Anxiety has been a lifelong friend, but I have chosen to be a student of anxiety rather than a victim.

Here are some insights I have learned from the author and Professor Brene Brown, which have allowed me to welcome anxiety as a friend helping me to learn more about myself rather than judge myself.

We have patterned responses to anxiety.

When triggered, you will either react as an over-functioner or an under-functioner. This is not a conscious decision but a pattern you have created and are probably unaware of.

Are you an over-functioner?

Brene describes over-functioners as coming across as overly strong and berating. They tend to take over a situation, move straight into action and fail to see how they are doing. They are doers and not feelers. Feelings tend to 'get in the way', so they abandon them and move into autopilot.

If you resonate with being an over-functioner, you must embrace vulnerability and be comfortable asking for help. Rather than taking on all the responsibilities, can you delegate, trust and know you can ask for help but still be strong?

Your intention is to be the fixer, but the impact may mean you disconnect from others or prevent them from stepping up and being part of a solution.

Are you an under-functioner?

Under functioners can appear irresponsible and fragile. "I don't help. I need help." It becomes a dear in the headlights mentality where they are suspended between action and fear. It's not that they don't care or don't have the skills, but their default is to retreat into themselves, often for fear of making the wrong decision.

If you resonate with being an under-functioner, amplify your strength. How can you tap into your inner strength rather than default to assuming someone else can do it better than you?

Look at your past as evidence that you can navigate challenges and always make a plan. If you have always defaulted to under-functioning, ask yourself what you must remember to tap into your resilience toolkit.

Don't get caught up in the enormity of the situation; ask yourself what is one small thing you can do to move forward in this situation and do it. Micro wins are your antidote to inaction.

Now what?

The more self-awareness you can bring to how you show up in challenging times, the more you can begin to interrupt your pattern. The next step is adopting the witness consciousness – in other words, can you pretend you're watching yourself on a giant cinema screen the next time you over or under function?

What is the main character doing? How do you wish they would show up? You're the show's star – you get to direct and produce the ending.

The antidote to anxiety is calm.

Before you launch into your preferred flavour of anxiety, ask yourself the following questions to check if anxiety is even warranted for this situation:

· Do I have all the information to make an informed decision?

· What do I know?

· What don't I know?

· What can I influence?

Everything you can't control, let go of.

You can't control someone's reaction, nor can you control how you may feel next week. Anytime you try to feel the future, control or predict the future, you will get anxious.

Emotional contagion is real.

Panic induces more panic.

The good news is that calm is also contagious.

An instant way to create calm is by connecting to your breath. Taking ten deep belly breaths will neutralise the adrenaline in your body and bring you back to a state of responding rather than reacting.

Even if you insert one mindful breath, it interrupts your pattern and brings you into the present moment. Only from the present can you make better choices.

Slow down.

When you feel yourself speeding up, slow down. Speeding up means I can feel my thoughts racing and like everything needs to be fixed and solved this minute! It's not a productive state but an over-functioning intensity that will inevitably end in rushed judgement and mistakes.

I've learnt to know this state, and rather than buy into it, I name it and pause.

Ask questions.

Ask yourself what's the worst case, and can you be OK with it?

Maybe your fear is someone losing their temper or saying no. Can you be OK with it and approach the situation with no expectation or attachment to an outcome?

I was speaking at a conference, and the person before me spoke for twenty minutes longer than their allotted slot. I had another commitment after the conference, so naturally, the 'what if I'm late' anxiety showed up.

Rather than panic when this person was ten minutes over their time, I set a limit in my mind of what I would be comfortable with as a worst-case scenario: if they ran twenty-five minutes late.

Anything before this, I decided to stay calm and enjoy their talk. I refused to stress myself unless I was forced to. We suffer more in anticipation of a scenario showing up; more often than not, it never comes to pass.

Judgement reinforces the habit.

Emotions are habits, just like brushing your teeth.

Judging yourself for being anxious when it shows up reinforces and strengthens this habitual pattern. Dr BJ Fogg, the author of Tiny Habits, explains this in the reverse when trying to create a positive habit.

When you combine a positive action with positive emotion, you lock in the habit loop, eventually becoming automatic. He calls this ritual celebration; when you follow through on your exercise or meditation or even choose water over the cooldrink, you must acknowledge this with a physical gesture like patting yourself on the back or telling yourself you're amazing.

Judgement at the moment when anxiety hits reinforces the habit. Instead of judging your anxiety, get curious and invite it to come and have a cup of tea with you.

Name it, notice it and let it pass through you. It's data, not a directive to get upset. It's information that you are trying to control your external world or future.

Final thoughts.

Anxiety is an emotion, not a character defect.

Before you discover if you over or under-function, what if you could preempt even falling into this trap?

When you feel triggered, ask yourself where you feel it in your body. It could be your jaw, face, chest, stomach or hands clenching.

When you pay attention to your body's wisdom, you can breathe, slow down and act with calm confidence rather than anxiety and overwhelm.

Pay more attention to your habitual default pattern the next time you are triggered by anxiety. Notice if you under or over-function with curiosity and not judgement.

When you can catch yourself in the act of your pattern, you can interrupt it and take ownership of it.

Here's to knowing yourself.

Warm wishes,

Lori